Reality and Redemption

Tough Week

2009-06-25T23:33:00.008-04:00

Ed McMahon - from Johnny Carson to Alpo to Star Search to the MS telethons and Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
His infectious laugh propped Carson up many times when a joke or gag was otherwise faltering.

And then Farrah Fawcett who captured every guy's imagination in the late 70's with this poster:

I personally know several women who were teenagers during that era who STILL sport the famous Farrah hair!

And then a guy not much older than me, who completes the trio. I admit that I lost track of him as he got wierder and wierder. But after looking at some of his later material, it was obvious that he was still as talented as ever. (Tough finding worthwhile video that can be embedded.)

These were all folks I sort of grew up with or grew up with me in an odd sort of way. Tough to believe these folks are gone just like that.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-16T22:59:00.003-04:00

Sorry my screen capture crapped out, but this is the best I could do at the moment. No green socks, sorry!

I did try to keep my hands down in a sort of Irish dancing style, but I'm no Micheal Flatly...thank goodness!

The song is Rockhill by Beltain.

Changing it up...

2009-01-01T21:37:00.006-05:00

Here's a slight departure from the DDR/Stepmania theme. Over Christmas, my boys got the PC game Guitar Praise, which is the Christian version of Guitar Hero/Rock Band. The oldest is only ten, and I'm thinking that I don't need Ozzy Osbourne raising my kids (no offense) so the nice Christian lyrics work and my youngest is totally into the contemporary Christians music. I went through that back in the '80's briefly. Remember Stryper? I have no idea how Guitar Praise even created this game without including them.

Once the kids are on bed or otherwise occupied, Daddy can use the wireless guitar controller and corrupt it with more secular music by Ozzie Osbourne or AC/DC. The game is Frets on Fire, and is free and open source. If one knows where to look (and I do) one can download every colection from GH and Rock Band plus some other people have made. Plus you can make your own. Disadvantages include limited game play options (so far) compared to the commercial games but the price is right.

The major victory with this video is that I was able to make it using one machine, unlike my Stepmania videos which in the past involved two machines, one doing screen capture and the other with the webcam. This was all filmed, captured and played on a single machine, which is why the screen capture is a bit choppy. It is also out of sync by a couple seconds.

Now I KNOW most of you can beat this. Maybe we could do some sort of mashup video with one person doing GH and I could do Stepmania.

BTW, I thought *I* was the oldest mat player. Check out these guys! Gotta make you feel a lot better, eh, FADkOG?

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-14T18:52:00.004-05:00

Until my YouTube channel updates, I guess I can just load the 'ole video into here like I've been doing. This is one of my busier times of the year as I'm trying to roll out baked goods, video goods and assorted other Christmas stuff for friends and family.

This one was fun to make as I liked the song and the steps..at least on the standard level. Being the gambling fool that I am, I decided to go for a second helping on the hard level. What's one more foot, right? I survived. And that's all I'll say about that.

Feeling Nostalgia-Like

2008-11-19T23:35:00.003-05:00

A couple of years ago, I was sharing a fantasy kiss in a hot tub with a couple of hot bloggers. You can check out this year's RWB at FTN's place, but while you are waiting enjoy the hot tub flashback or at least the song going through my head at the time:

Stepmania: MAX Forever

2008-10-11T09:52:00.008-04:00

I love making these things, and I've discovered that I actually do better with an "audience" as this video demonstrates. However I usually work out in front of the fan, which gets turned off here so I have decent sound. Which means I overheat!

I use Camstudio for the screen capture and then just used the webcam on the laptop. There is a cool PIP feature for Movie Maker that allows for both videos to be rendered together.

I've been working on this song for about a year, as it was one of the last of the "light" songs for me to master. It is the most difficult and longest song that I do, with over 1,000 steps. I finally went from a 'C' to a 'B' a month or so ago, and today...well, you'll just have to see. I like the music and the steps, but it really does feel like it lasts forever! DDR players will recognize this song, by DM Ashura, as it is an original DDR song but I'm pretty sure the stepfiles are different here. This song is like my Mt. Everest. I also struggle on another of DM Ashura's, Klungkung 2004, (not my video) which I recorded right before this one and would have to be massively persuaded to post. But I was already tired going into this one, which is always my last song. By the end of it, I could barely move my feet!

There are a number of YouTube videos of people doing better on this song, but I'm probably the oldest person to ever do it on the step mat at near 45.

A Tribute to Bunni and Paris

2008-10-06T17:01:00.005-04:00

I have been reading Ms. Bunni Speagelman's blog who has spent the entire spring and summer writing about Paris. She has gone on and on and on about how fabulous and wonderful and magical Paris is. Having only spent a couple of days there, I couldn't share her enthusiasm for the place and from her own blog she had been near death, practically raped and dumped there. She could have saved a buck or two and done all that in New York, but to each their own!

Actually, I decided that I would try to be more positive about Paris and perhaps make her feel a bit less lonesome. i think I might have found a way to feel a bit better about Paris. Indeed, I feel a lot better about Paris now especially I AA'd this song right here for your viewing pleasure!

The Black Socks return for a Paris Tribute!

Thanks for Wathin!

2008-08-28T20:36:00.003-04:00

Or...

More black socks.

This particular song was part of the same session as the last one. I usually configure the game to skip all the mines. A mine is a sort of "lift" step, forcing you off the arrows. Failure to do so has dire consequences to your score and rating, not to mention your composure and concentration. Not every song has them, but they show up especially in higher levels. This "feature" is one that is unique to Stepmania as far as I know. I've never seen a DDR video game that included them. Chances are, that if Ryota had encountered them, he would have been frightened off and never tried the game again. At least that's what happened when my 5 year old son got on the mat and inadvertently encountered a 1 footer that had them. I pretty much flushed that stepfile maker's rating with one star on account of that. Mines should be considered an advanced step and screwing around with beginners with that crap can cause them to quit the game.

As you can see, I had perfect combos until I set off one of those buggers, and it totally threw off my timing. While I didn't set off anymore, I never really got it going again, which is why I usually turn them off.

A "C" isn't a good score by any stretch but I am solidly in the standard level, as opposed to light just a few months ago. As songs go, this isn't bad but I generally prefer higher BPM. I figure Gorillaz must have some fans around these parts, tho as there are a few youngsters who check in now and then, probably to laugh at the old guy stepping on the mat.

For a better view of Stepmania mines, check here. Tsu-X-gamush songs are always the most radical and advanced as stepfile makers try to make these as difficult as possible. The player in this video is likely playing with the keyboard as are most stepmania players nowadays. Mat players are rare, but there are people who are rediscovering this game for its health benefits. I just recently got a coworker to take one of my old mats to try out the game I installed on her laptop. She took that laptop and mat to a class of other women, took it out after the class, and they all fell in love with it!

Yeah, guitar hero is cool and hip and you can have it.

I have at least one more in the works, where I actually fail the song.\

D.

Dancin' Digger

2008-08-23T22:39:00.005-04:00

I am no Ryota by a longshot, but I'm working my way up gradually. This one is on a Standard level (7 feet) but doesn't play as hard as the kid's DDR. I'm working on some way to show the steps along with it but in the meantime, you'll just have to be satisfied with the blur of my dark socks and bulbous bottom. The Octane mat still slides but not as much as the flimsy cheap ones.

My previous high grade on this song at this level was a "C".

Enjoy!

Edit: HeY! I finally just figured out picture-in-picture with Movie Maker so now you can see an alternative view below! Egad, when I watch the actual arrows, I'm wondering how it was that I got as good of a score as I did.

6 misses, 7 boos and 73 max combos. That means at my best, I hit 73 in a row before I either missed or boo'd a step.

I'll have to post a AA and a fail, just so you can see what those look like. I also have one with the dreaded bomb/lift steps which is a feature that significantly differs from DDR.

More to come!

Vacation Video

2008-07-19T18:15:00.004-04:00

This video includes pictures from my actual vacation. I recorded it on location, just so y'all know I was thinking about you, all my blogging friends! I was actually approached by a loon. No, it wasn't FTN, although his butt makes a cameo appearance.

Technical difficulties

2008-04-20T14:12:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to get Wednesday's podcast posted but blogger is being a butt. It's 10:50 which is 50 seconds over the YouTube limit so I'm guessing that's part of the problem.

But one never knows; it might just work. Look below and see if anything shows up in the little window.

DiggerTube

2008-03-11T17:26:00.003-04:00

I never said I was a Hollywood producer with a Hollywood budget.

D.

A directory of where to go to read more

2008-01-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

I've stuff going on in my own little blogiverse, and visitors may have a hard time keeping everything straight. so here's a helpful guide:

I've just given Desperate Husband some helpful Unsolicited Advice about his diet in my much neglected UA Blogger blog. I hope you blogger people appreciate the trouble I went to to bring you that gem because Wordpress is just easier to work with!

Over on the Wordpress site, I've been using my other two blogs to go over stuff I'm learning through reading Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch and seeing how the stuff applies to my own marriage. Generally speaking, R&R Wordpress is a bit more revealing about the application of the principles in my marriage where UA Wordpress just presents those principles or at least that's the general idea. But that is a very general rule and anyone who reads me knows I violate rules routinely.

The only novel thing I'll add here is that I continue to play Stepmania regularly and have gotten to where I'm regularly playing in the "standard" level, especially if I don't have a lot of time and need a more intense but quicker workout. It turns out that is most of the time. So my skill level has increased but just not as fast as when I was doing it every single day. But I also work on an elliptical trainer I got my wife for Christmas which adds an element of resistance to my workout, especially on the upper body which is really good. I feel like I can get more of a workout in a shorter amount of time with that because of the resistance. With the step mat it's all aerobic, which is still good (and fun) but it's nice to have something else.

Happy New Year!

D.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-23T20:02:00.001-05:00

I have the pleasure of teaching the Sunday before Christmas and the Sunday before New Years. I wonder if anyone will show up.

The format will be extremely informal. I just want to know where everyone is, spiritually speaking. Are there challenges with the Christmas season that are unique? What are they? Why are they more challenging now than other times during the year?

What are you most looking forward to this season? Maybe the holidays being over?

“After the holidays” is something that is heard a lot more this time of year. People put off things until after the holidays. They put off weight loss, starting a new habit or breaking an old one. Conducting business this time of year can be a challenge. Everything from construction projects to just getting in to see the doctor. Try traveling by air for a good time. It is difficult to get anything done’

In our church group we are every bit as much caught in the web. Family night supper…not until after the holidays. Choir practice…after the holidays. Church office….closed for the holidays.

All in the name of celebrating the birth of Jesus. But when Jesus was born, people still were living their daily lives. They were in the midst of being counted for a tax declared by Caesar Augustus. They were tending vineyards and flocks, fishing, making and dying clothe, trading, bartering and selling.

We talk all during the season of lent about anticipating the coming of the baby Jesus. It’s an odd thing to talk about this. Wasn’t he already born? Why do we look forward to the birth of the baby all over again? Why do we insist on putting Jesus back in the manger every year?

It is a good time of year to celebrate the coming of Christ. We commemorate this event because it is when God came to live among us. God loved the world so much the He came here to be one of us. Why? It wasn’t to bring some more laws and commandments. He already sent Moses and the prophets for that. It was not to set up an institution. The Jews had a fine institution with a temple, synagogues, priests and other leaders to judge and interpret the law. The scribes and Pharisees carefully preserved the laws and traditions during the exile and during various occupations and persecutions.

God did not need to come to Earth in order to set up a religion or a religious government. There were already elders, priests, teachers of the law and civil authorities in place. In fact, the Roman Empire afforded unprecedented opportunities in civil government, leadership and peace and security. There had already been prophets, judges and kings.

The institutions and laws set up by God were not going to suffice. God has a bigger plan which He had from the beginning. God wanted His creation to be able to walk with Him as Adam did in the Garden of Eden. People needed God but God wanted a people who would know Him. A people who cared about knowing Him. The only way to restore that relationship was to deal with the problem of sin which ruined that relationship in the first place. That relationship can only be restored by somehow dealing with sin. Jesus, God with Us, was the only solution that would do.

All the hoopla is about God being in relationship with us and us being in relationship with Him and each other. It is about restoring a relationship broken by sin. Without relationship, Christmas makes no sense. It’s no accident that many broken relationships are often restored this time of year. People who don’t speak to each other any other time of year seek to connect around Christmas. Why?

I think it is because relationship is hard wired into our psyche. We’re made in God’s image and God created humans especially to have relationship with Him and with each other. Once relationship is broken (on account of sin) we are in a state of unrest until we can reconcile. This time of year is about human relationship for most people but for God it is Him reconciling people to Himself. And it all began with the baby in the manger. It is all difficult to understand unless we consider how we feel about our own broken relationships. In order to truly reconcile we need to physically connect and touch. And that’s what God did. He reached His hand out to us. Will we reach back? Will we return the embrace? God leaves that entirely up to us, but He’s there whenever we decide to show up in the relationship.

Through being in a human relationship where only one of us shows up at a time, I’ve come to understand how God feels when we do that to Him. He understands rejection in the most intimate and personal way possible. It happens to Him everyday on a massive, global scale.

D.

[This morning the lesson went swimmingly well as the other folks really did bring their game on and we had some dandy discussion. Even a few resolutions about getting along with hard-to-take relatives based on this lesson which I started out reading Matthew 1:12-25 (I think) focusing on “God with us” and what it means.]

Garden Update

2007-12-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

My weight is a steady 192.6, which is really good considering there is some major holiday baking and cooking going on. I've got my usual cookie jar mix going, the holiday fruitcake and then some chocolate peanut cluster things. Plus I am turning out some serious raisin bread. I'm trying to increase the whole wheat flour in everything I bake, inching up some nutrient value as much as possible. So far, so good.

You know what I haven't done in a while is a garden update. Most of you are like' "Huh? Garden?"

This is the marvelous thing about living in my climate zone: I get another shot a growing stuff. And since my summer was a total disaster, this is a good thing. The winter garden has been wonderful. Granted, we can use more rain, but plants don't need as much water at 40-50° as they do at 85-95°. So while Xi kicked my butt this summer, I got him on the winter shift!

The collards are doing fantastic. No varmints or bugs have attacked them and they have big deep, green leaves. I harvested a few for Thanksgiving and often use them as a wrap for fish or chicken. I also had some of my broccoli during Thanksgiving as it is heading out in a big way. I need to watch the weather, because an ice storm can easily wipe everything out. But these vegetables like it cold and shrug off frost.

The brussel sprouts and red cabbage have suffered the most on account of the lack of moisture. I'm not seeing any sprouts or heads, so I may not get anything. Actually, in both cases the leaves are edible so I can get something from them, even as a secondary crop.

My second planting of garlic took and it is now growing merrily. Some of this will find it's way into salads and concoctions as it can be used just like a green spring onion. If the ground does not freeze solid in your area, you can be growing garlic, too. I got mine from the grocery store and it grows just fine. It can be planted anytime this winter or as soon as the ground thaws in the spring as garlic does not mind frost and cold. It likes the coolness and the short days.

An update on Lots of Things

2007-08-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

With school starting, the family is once again getting into a routine. For good or ill. So let’s do a little round-up:

- Arwyn has been making and succeeding in becoming a better roommate. She is picking up after herself better and doesn’t let the kids trash the place. She seems to have a decent handle on the money situation. No sex or affection, but this at least makes the situation somewhat tolerable. Sex isn’t everything. I’d rather be getting laid on a weekly basis than live in a spotless house (if that’s the cost) but if we’re going to be roommates, we should at least do so properly for the kids sake if no other reason.

- I am really liking Stepmania and it does work for me. I don’t need to drive to a gym, and the boys like it when I do it at home on occasion. They don’t like it all the time, though, or as much as me. So, I do it mostly after work at work after everyone else has gone home. I usually stay late anyway but this way I’m not making an extra drive. Plus late afternoon has traditionally been a time when I junk it up with snack foods. Good exercise has proven to be an effective substitute.

What’s more, I’ve figured out how to add my own music and edit my own steps. So now I’m into finding some good step dance music. FTN recently brought back some good memories with Funky Town. I think there’s a story there. In any case, I’ve purchase some used CD’s from the Funky Town genre and era and style. Okay, my links sort of deviate a bit from Lipps Inc, but we’re talking music to move by here. (And since blogger doesn't like my wordpress links, they'll just be omitted. Old blogger wasn't like that.)

When I started Stepmania just a few months ago, I was working on the lowest possible beginner level and struggled to make a grade of “C” or better at level one. Then a few “AA”s started appearing. Right now, I am getting “C”s again but this time at level 4, which is moving past beginner and light mode and into standard mode. The coolest thing about this game is that are so many ways to show improvement. Plus it is oodles of fun if you like music that runs 120-300 beats per minute.

- Financially, we are doing good. That $10,000 Visa bill Arwyn incurred 3 years ago has fallen, freeing up another $300 a month. One more $330/month bill left to attack. And then a student loan. And finally, the big one; the house. We can do it.

- Spiritually, I am far less settled. I’ll be teaching a series next month and have been accumulating material. I have some books on order that I’ll go over after I’ve been over them but I continue to examine and re-examine how church life is conducted compared to what we see in the New Testament. I’m sure if I elect to present my findings on tithing, that’ll be my Sunday school teaching swan song! That day is coming soon enough. I enjoy it and have forged some decent friendships.

I’ll reserve the preaching and teaching for another time.

- Getting back to my weight loss (Stepmania was a part of that but has since taken on its own life) I finally stepped on a scale the other day. 228 lbs. When I looked at my BMI, (follow that link to calculate yours) I was still 30.1, which still puts me in the lard ass category. I have to work much, much harder to shed the blubber. I was 240 back in February, and really didn’t start seriously working it until June so I only averaged about 4 lbs per month or about 1 lb. a week. When I think of 1 pound a week, that doesn’t sound so bad. But I’m still 5 pounds more than I was a year ago. I also joined a “Biggest Loser” program at my place of work where the winner is the one who loses the most by percentage by Thanksgiving. So there’s a dual motivation going on there as we have a pot of about $1000 that someone could win by Thanksgiving. Why not me?

- I haven’t smoked in over a month and am fine with it. I might go on the occasional weekend jag but am happy to return to being smoke-free. I used to go on smoke-free jags and return to smoking so I’m happy with this turn of circumstance. I treat it like drinking, namely it’s something I do less and less as I get older. The cost of cigarettes continues to climb, so this is also helping with the financial issues.

So there you go, your regular update on the world of Digger as it stand today. Sometimes I think things get a bit heavy on the relationship end, but I don’t live in that depressing of a world. I’m doing some positive things, and some things are going positively which is good to know when you think things are too depressing and burdensome.

D.

Pointing to the meme...

2007-08-16T21:27:00.000-04:00

I have one up on my wordpress account, for those of you lucky enough to have been tagged. And for those that weren't, consider yourself warned.

D.

A Yen for Zen

2007-08-05T09:31:00.000-04:00

This post is already a week old, but I'm working on something newer.

Okay so I took a couple weeks off from blogging in order to just live life without so much interior noodling. I never stop analyzing completely, but by not writing I'm not thinking as much. Or obsessing as the case may be. But I figure an update would be useful as a way of just taking stock.

First off, I'm continuing with the exercise/healthier diet thing. It's not quite every day like it was a couple weeks ago, but every opportunity which is close enough. Eating more fresh fruits and vegetables means more trips to the store which takes extra time. I haven't weighed myself in 6 weeks plus I have an annual physical coming up. I'll be interested to see how that turns out. If my weight is back where it was a year ago, that will be progress since I ballooned out so much last winter. My blood pressure has always been good so I need that to continue. So I guess not getting any worse is the goal at this point! I also found a cool program that goes with Stepmania that allows me to painlessly choreograph and use music from my own collection if want to, which has helped keep the interest going.

Arwyn has been working through her step process and is doing her step #5 right now with her sponsor or mentor or whoever. She has spent hours and hours and hours doing her personal inventory. So it may take hours to go through it! Being patient with this is a difficult process. She invests in this business to the detriment of everything else. So now in addition to being the one who works full time and does all the lawn/garden stuff, paying all bills and most of the cooking and groceries, I have to do additional cleaning and raising the kids and doing laundry. The 12 step process is an inherently selfish one. Not that addictions and codependency are without selfish aspects, but from my perspective I've seen those who are in recovery end up in trouble because they neglect every single thing not associated with recovery steps. These first steps are especially dominated by self-absorption with taking a personal inventory and such. But I'll wait awhile and see how Arwyn does in subsequent steps that do become more relational in nature. I've just got to grit my teeth a bit and hold on for awhile longer.

But that does not mean that I'm not looking at extra long twin beds. This sleeping together business has gotten more tension filled as of late. Keep in mind that Arwyn has her inverted self-wrapped position where we're head-to-toe which is fine for sleeping military style in bunk beds. But not for married couples. I have been awakened more than once by a sharp kick to the rib cage, presumably because I'm snoring. I don't do that when she snores. And then our oldest likes yo come in at 5 a.m. or so and he'll lay right up on her, which she minds a lot less than if I do it. So now he is kicking me because he likes to flail around in his sleep.

A few days ago, Arwyn woke me up with a kick or a poke and instead of reacting by retaliation or in anger, I reached my hand over and rested it on her bum. And this obviously infuriated her all the more. My hand was batted off and she picked up her blanket and pillow and retired to the couch. I really wasn't feeling angry at her until she did that.

Other couples make the separate bed or even separate bedroom thing work. As nice as the queen-sized bed has been in conceiving the two boys, it is really and truly more of a hindrance now. My maternal grandparents (who were Catholic, if that matters) had their separate beds and slept that way the entire 20+ years they were both alive that I knew them and it might have been the way they always did it.

The church/spiritual business is in a holding pattern. I've been reading the Charles Davis book, and have been enriched by it as he does wade into deeper theological waters of faith, hope and love. I Enjoyed one quote in particular that is quite poignant:

"Is it surprising that men have thrown off the yoke of the Church as an unbearable oppression? They are looking for freedom, they want to be themselves. They find no signs of liberation in a life within the Church. And not a few Catholics today, if they dared to formulate their thought would say, 'Thank God we live in a secular society where ecclesiastical writs do not run far and our freedom abd personal development are guaranteed by factors outside the Church.'"

He then goes on to document how the church actually works against Christ by failing to testify to His freedom, love and His truth. As such, people are left to despair and their hope is taken away. These charges can be made to virtually any institutional system, but especially religious systems that seek to exercise authority and control. As long as there are people who seek to control others and institutions willing to facilitate that, there will be abuse. I feel Catholics have been unfortunately singled out by the media, because I'm sure the protestant ministers and priests have engaged in behavior just as bad as those of any Catholic priests and there have been countless cover ups. Perhaps the protestants just can't afford the big payouts.

In any case, I'm keeping my eye open for something less corporate-like and more relational in nature. Such groups will be small and difficult to find since they are intentional in not advertising and trying to steal from one another's flocks. Since they see themselves as part of the larger body, the whole competitive atmosphere is not present at all. There's room for genuine unity since no one is worried about wearing a shirt or having a coffee mug with the wrong logo.

D.

Black Sunday

2007-07-15T20:30:00.000-04:00

I just had a bit of a discussion with Arwyn. It was a light enough discussion to start with, but it suddenly turned into something a lot more heavy. VERY heavy. To really and truly grasp it, you’ll need to catch up on the other post. Because this conversation with Arwyn fit neatly into the conversation I just had with you all.

Last Sunday, I taught Sunday school and the topic was more or less the Relationship-based Christianity. One of the objects of my pointy jibes was the whole concept of appointing greeters to be stationed at various points in order to make people feel welcome. The point is, that when you invite people to your house, do you have a designated greeter who stands by the door, away from the rest of the party, in order to greet people? No, of course not unless you are wealthy enough to have a butler or someone hired for the purpose. But not a family member! The idea of greeters is something very institutional that has really and truly become an issue in CGM churches designed to bring in maximum numbers of seekers.

On Wednesday, I got the church newsletter/flyer, and there was an entire page devoted towards the greeter ministry. It seemed to be a response to what I had taught the previous Sunday. So I considered submitting a written response to our local council on ministries. So I got the newsletter and my Bible and my PDA and began working on it.

Arwyn came in the bedroom and asked what I was doing. My usual answer is “Writing.” and I leave it at that. But this time, decided to tell her, just in the interest of having a conversation. As it turns out, she did give me some good perspective on the institutional mindset, which was helpful. People do seem to need to be told what to do and how to do it sometimes, and the greeting program gives people that sort of structure. It meets a need. Granted, it’s a need created by the institution but a need nonetheless.

However this discussion morphed into something else along the way. Somehow I began pointing out that her church, Saddleback East ( or Willow Creek South, if you prefer) has many of these same difficulties as the Methodist church and seems to be intent of making a program out of everything! She goes there 3-4 times a week and yet wants to go yet another time for a small group meeting. She pointed out that it wasn’t the meeting she wanted, it was the relationships.

Which is where I spring the conversation back to my last post. I asked her if she expected God to honor attempts at relationship outside of our household when we struggled so much within our own family. “Don’t you think we should work on our relationship?” I asked. The next three words were a bombshell.

“I don’t know.”

Don’t know? Don’t know?

“You don’t know if you want to work on our relationship?”

“No. I don’t know where to go with it. I’m not sure if I want to.”

At least she’s honest.

Still, this did sort of floor me because somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping that she might come ’round to wanting to show up and work on our marriage. Now she’s flat out saying that she is not sure she even wants to make an attempt. And this is perfectly consistent with her actions for the past several years. She basically has not lifted a finger to help in various efforts that I’ve made to improve our status. She is simply not that into me. And she might be on her way further out. The conversation ended abruptly as the kids were fussing about something and she was about to break down in tears.

The thing is that this really does impact everything. Or to be more realistic, there is very little about day-to-day life that this does not impact. For instance, the small TV that I owned before we got married and had in our bedroom went on the blink. Arwyn stated that she wanted some say in replacing it. However, now I’m thinking that I need to think about a post-Arwyn life and what sort of TV I might fancy, if any.

And then there is this boat-anchor of property we have in S. Georgia. The renter who was not paying rent has been evicted. I’ve been working on selling the place. However now, perhaps I’m thinking that I might need it as a place to stay for myself.

People deal with major stresses in different ways, and Arwyn’s is to clean and organize which she commenced to doing while I tried to write this post. We had a small conversation about the property and she seemed to think keeping it wouldn’t be that bad of an idea. But neither would getting rid of it. She is not interested in living there so it would be just me if it happened that way.

Basically, we are at a point where we are sort of on the same wavelength. In her own mind I think she is thinking about a post-Digger life. She’s thinking about going back to school and/or getting a full-time job. While I think she handles a lot on her own, it’s difficult for me to imagine her being able to handle both boys by herself.

It’s all sort of depressing. Arwyn gave up on the marriage years ago and has never even tried to check back in.

D.

Self-Improvement Update

2007-07-03T14:16:00.000-04:00

I do feel the need to at least update on my self-improvement efforts so here you go:

-Smoking: I did take a vacation and smoked a pack or so over those 2 weeks. I actually started a day or two before, as Arwyn and I clashed on several stupid little issues beforehand. But I'm back to being sober from those things for over a week. Arwyn says she's been praying for me, but she has otherwise been nonsupportive. I've been going after the addiction despite her behaviors and attitude.

- Eating/weight: Vacation really raised havoc on my diet and exercise and I gained several pounds thanks to Mom's cooking and eating out so much. But I'm getting back to a better diet now.

- Exercise: Again, hours and days sitting in the car and relaxing on vacation took its toll. However I am back at the DDR/Stepmania routine. I can't say enough good things about this awesome video game. I have absolutely no problems working out for 1-2 hours at a time with this thing and yes, I do feel tired afterward. But it's not weary tired. I like the challenge of the different songs and find I'm really (finally) able to advance beyond the lowest level. Moves and speeds that looked so impossible a month ago are challenging but do-able and fun now.
- Debt: At least I kept from going deeper in debt for the vacation. However it has slowed progress on getting out. Rolling up the next big debt is going to be delayed by several months. But we have a bit of breathing room in the budget plus the emergency fund continues to grow. The power of being debt free becomes more obvious the closer I get to being there. Some types of debt might be better than others, but all debt involves an overhead of risk and obligation that exists above and beyond the interest rate. No one who says "Some debt is good." takes that into consideration. Even an interest rate of 1% or lower (0%) involves risk and obligation. You are still bound to pay it back until it's paid in full and there is always the risk you won't be able to. You can buy insurance to buffer against the risk of illness, death or other factors that might result in nonpayment, which quantifies some of the risk. But there is also the mental pressure and anxiety that comes with the fear of losing your house or car or other assets.

I'm still making progress on most fronts. It's slower than I might like, but I'm pleased with making progress all the same. There have been setbacks in each area, but I've been able to keep going without quitting or getting discouraged. It would be easy for the whole thing to fall apart, so slow and steady is the way to go.

D.

Stepmania: How to Meet a Man's Emotional Need for Admiration

2007-06-07T20:02:00.000-04:00

On my Wordpress blog, I've just completed a whole series about my Emotional Needs Questionnaire. The last chapter dealt with the need for admiration. I think this need is a basic one buried in the psych of most men, at least. We like to be noticed and admired.

When playing Stepmania, I get a computer-generated dose of this type of thing from the announcer. Basically the announcer gives encouragement as you step and dance your way through a song. I usually use this cool dude who goes by the name of DDR Max. And he really is cool. He says stuff like:

"Hey, you're doing pretty good!"
"You dance smoothly!"
"You've got some cool moves!"
"You'll get a good score."
"P-P-Perrrfect!"
"Hey, hey! What's that?"
And my favorite:
"WATABI!"

If you're not doing so well, he'll let you know:
"Calm down!"
"Stay with it to the end!" and finally,
"Are you even paying attention to the sequence?"

Max is cool and he's groovy. He's not terribly annoying to me, but if or when that happens, I can turn him off. Not a big deal.

But I also sometimes use an announcer named Sabrina, who has this little sex kitten voice. She also encourages:
"Keep it up!"
"Oooh! You look sexy!"
"That felt good, didn't it?"
"I'm mesmerized!"
"You're a dance animal!"
"Yaaaay!"
Or she'll give these little sighs of pleasure "Ooooh" and "Aaaah."

While I generally don't use Sabrina when the kids are around, I do like her sexy voice and I do notice I do better when she's my announcer. It's amazing what a little well-placed encouragement can do to a guy's performance.

I'm talking Stepmania here, but it applies equally to Other Things.

Of course, if you do badly, Sabrina can be a bit less supportive:
"I am NOT satisfied!"
"Ow!"
"Hey, c'mon now!"
or my favorite:
"Oh well. It can happen to anyone."

My least favorite is, "You're a loser!" The first time I heard that one, I think I DID switch her off! Which is the great thing about a game; you can turn off the sound or hit 'mute.' Fortunately I do well enough with Sabrina's encouragement that I don't have to endure that one very often.

The point is, is she's programmed to give encouragement on a fairly rich schedule. And when she does, she really does say the nicest things!

Would I marry someone like Sabrina? Well, we do need to get to know each other a little better. But she seems to like me, and is mesmerized with my sexy moves. That's what she says, anyway.

When doing Stepmania, I can burn up an hour very easily no matter which announcer I use and I've gone into a 2 hour long session before with relative ease. Their encouragement does help in a wierd twisted sort of way, especially since I'm getting precious little from my wife. I like hearing the positive words of admiration or affirmation. I've been without it for so long, even a computer generated script sounds pretty seductive to me!

I think this is how a lot of workplace affairs start. A guy starts hearing some words of admiration that he hasn't heard from his wife in years. He returns the attention and if this woman hasn't gotten that sort of attention in years from her own spouse then the fireworks are on.

In a recent entry on his blog, Dave recounts his battle against depression and how his wife said “This time, I’m here, and I’m going to fight for you, and I’m going to win." To me that was particularly touching. She was willing to fight and contend for him. Couples need to contend for each other and words of encouragement, affirmation and admiration are good places to start.

D.

Update: Guess what? The Yahoo! Columnist from Men's Health has something similar to say about the topic!

A Weight Update

2007-06-05T21:07:00.000-04:00

Since I don't own a scale, I have to go by my clothes and some visual analysis to assess where I'm at weight-wise. And I do think progress has been made, although it isn't anything dramatic. Actually, that illness over the Memorial Day Weekend sort of kick started so serious weight loss. But it did put a crimp in the whole Stepmania exercise program. And so it wasn't until yesterday that I was able to get the mat out and do it some more.

The result was almost 2 hours of a high intensity, intermittent workout. I was definitely making some serious gravy and I was very tired by the time I finished. I definitely like the video game approach to exercise as I'm always trying to increase my score and trying to pick more challenging songs. And it was gratifying to see that I was able increase my scores. But I'm still definitely on the lowest level and find it hard to imagine going up to even a medium level with something like 178 beats per minute! The songs are mostly of an industrial-techno type, with heavy beats which I've always favored and apparently my youngest son is also nuts about. He has no desire to play but just wants to be around to listen to the music.

Arwyn also had a chance to see what it really looked like, workout-wise and was less skeptical. She still has no desire to try it, but at least she gets why it works for me. It has a lot of elements of Tae Kwon Do forms or the Kata used in Karate with the balance and precision of movement required. Timing actually matters more than raw speed which is a dimension that is totally absent from most other workout regimes. Landing steps and jumps at precisely the right moment is what determines your score.

The commercial version of this game is Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) and it's what you see in arcades. For you Playstation and Nintendo owners, you can play DDR. My dance mat actually has controller connections for those platforms as well as the USB connection.

On the other side of things, I've been eating much better. I've totally rediscovered salads and they've become a major part of what I eat everyday. That and getting away from snacking have really been the major focus of shedding the winter blubber. I've always been a vegetable lover, so it's just a matter of deciding that I'm actually going to make that a bigger part of my diet.

The drought has not helped, tho. My garden is in sad shape despite me watering every other day. That tropical system from last week only dropped about 1/2 an inch of rain and now I'm back to the hose. Once I'm on vacation, it's on its own while the deer and rabbits have their way with it.

D.

I finally turned off the anoying verification thing. If I only allow registered users, that should be good enough against spammers. We'll see.

A Weighty Topic

2007-05-20T13:42:00.000-04:00

Perhaps I’ll engage in some lighter fare, and I do need to address a couple of long-lost topics that have gotten lost amongst the..er…heavier topics.

Actually I do want to talk about weight, specifically mine. My mass seems to be in a linear incline since I’ve pretty much given up the smoking. I say “pretty much” as I have had a couple of deliberate lapses lasting over a couple of 2 day road trips. But by and large, I’ve been good. The smokes still have a psychological pull, as I do miss them, especially during the stressful times.

But weight. Geez. After 10 years staying at pretty 219 lbs. or so, I’ve gone up to close to 240 over the past year. Today I found a place where I could calculate my BMI (body mass index) and I’m at 29.9! I’m 0.1 from going from “overweight” to “obese!”

My knees are suffering for it. Other systems are too, I’m sure. So I’m watching it to make sure I at least stop the incline, which I’ve done since February. But now I really need to get it off and this will involve some exercise.

I hate exercise.

I don’t mind doing something relatively purposeful. For instance I still use a push mower on my 2/3 acre lawn. Okay, it is self-propelled, but with the bagger I’m still pushing and sweating buckets in the Georgia sun. So once a week, I have that going. I still don’t like it much but at least it makes more sense to me than walking a track or running somewhere I don’t need to go. But my knees don’t really like this very much. Once a week is about as much as they’ll take of that pushing over the rough terrain that isn’t even that nice of a lawn..

Swimming is not something I do well, and since there’s no pool, river or lake nearby, that’s out.

Joining a fitness club: That totally seems like a waste of money for me. Pointless exercise, remember? This works for some and it is a yuppie thing to do to keep in shape. But it’s not like a real club, with dancing girls, a pole, cigarettes and mixed drinks.

Plus, the idea of driving somewhere else in order to exercise just seems odd to me. If I lived within walking distance, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But if more of us lived within walking distance of stuff, this probably wouldn’t be an issue at all.

Yeah, there is one sort of exercise for pleasure that I could totally be into. But my wife would sooner see me dead than do that 3x a week for 30 minutes. “Enjoy the heart attack, Fatman!” I can’t even get it once a month. Or even once a year.

I Finally did find something that looks like it might appeal to me. I recently read about a guy who played video games and lost a pretty significant amount of weight. Video games?

You can read for yourself.

If you don’t like video games, you will totally not get it. At least this is true for Arwyn. I approached her with the idea and she outright scoffed. She admitted that I had gained weight, and so has she. But the idea of video gaming it off seemed absolutely preposterous to her. Her idea of an intense video game is spider solitaire. I’m more of an RTS man, like Age of Empires. But back in the ’80’s I spent vast sums of money on various video arcade games.

Anyway, I’m thinking of trying to step my way into shape using Stepmania, which is the open source (and free) version of Dance Dance Revolution. I downloaded the program and a bunch of the songs and it’s actually kind of fun to play on the keyboard. In fact I really like it as the music is real techno-ish and is heavy, heavy on beat. Perfect for dancing and I probably burn a few extra calories grooving around while doing it with the keyboard. It certainly is challenging and I notice that I am getting better at following the arrows, but I still struggle with anything but the easiest of selections!

Fortunately, Stepmania is fully configurable, so I can adjust and tweak it enough so it isn’t overly frustrating. I’m using version 3.9 at the moment, and it is compatible with most operating systems even PII’s with 64 Mb RAM (there’s also a Linux version for you that are Penguin friendly). Slowing it down for a middle-aged, overweight guy like me is a must!

My step mat has been ordered through eBay so we’ll see how things work, shortly. I suppose I could work a fitness/weight loss theme in here somewhere, amongst my other topics. Blogging is a good way to help with accountability. Sometimes. I’ve read a couple other blogs that had weight loss as somewhat of a goal or theme, but they didn’t do very well. The blogs were quite successful, but the weight loss– eh, not so much.

I’m actually getting two mats, so I can either have one at home and one at work or I can find a similarly slow, middle aged partner to compete against/play with. It would be nice to have a partner to play with.

D.

Blogger Sucks

2007-04-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

I just had to say that.

Up until this point, I had been able to stay with the old version and then it just kept pestering and badgering to go into the new setup until it was impossible to post or edit without switching.

I already had Gmail set up, so this was not a huge issue, it was just the principle of the thing where Google likes to push people around.

I suppose it's their right since I'm not paying for this and they are.

The new dash board is not that big of a deal compared to the old one, except it makes it tons easier to add Google Ads to your blog. How convenient.

I've got new stuff on my real blog at Wordpress. You all should check into seeing what a real dashboard looks like some time.

The only way this thing gets a meanigful update is if I happen to need extra space for multiple postings or if I get mad at the folks at Wordpress.

I've tried to make the move as seamless and painless as possible by moving everything that was here, over there. Thank you all for your patronage and I hope to see you at the new establishment, if I haven't already.

D.

High Speed Binge

2007-04-05T20:20:00.000-04:00

I spent a couple days out of town on an overnight trip, which involved staying in a motel. I know some people hate staying in motels but for limited doses, I actually love it.

Motels with Arwyn are NOT the stuff of dreams. Since we always have kids, there’s no sex involved. I remember when my oldest was about a year old; we stayed a quite fancy place for a friend’s wedding for 2 nights or so. It was pretty expensive for us as we didn’t have a lot of money to blow. But the boy was in a playpen we packed along so there we were together in a ginormous bed. And Arwyn refused to do a thing. I was very put off. God forbid the boy might actually witness his parents loving each other. It was a bitterly frustrating time early in our relationship and it has been frustrating ever since, but the bitterness comes and goes.

No, I like to go out of town and stay in a motel alone. I have a hell of a lot more sex that way, for sure. But there’s something about having that space and freedom. I always buy fast food, take it back to the room and watch whatever I want on cable TV. Or read blogs I’ve downloaded. Or read the paper. And I can do it all naked. If something racy comes on the cable I can indulge myself as much as I want.

This last trip, I had intended on catching up with some of you’all’s blogs. Even though the RSS thing isn’t what it used to be, I can still cut and paste the old fashioned way. It’s how I did it before I discovered RSS. Thing is, I have a lot more blogs now than I did then.

In addition, I brought my work laptop as this motel advertised having high speed wireless. At home, I am on dial-up and at work I have high speed but the content is heavily censored and restricted. I had my portable apps on my thumb drive so I could surf without leaving a footprint on the machine.

I’m probably one of the last known dial-up users in my particular calling zone. This is one reason why reading stuff offline is such an issue. But thanks to tabbed browsing, it is a lot less painful as I can read one while the others are loading. anyway, back to the motel…

So I got there and took care of what business I could and checked in. I got on the high speed wireless and OMG! I discovered a world I had heard about and seen only some snippets of. The world of online video.

I spent about an hour or two on Porntube, which has something for everyone. Don’t go there if you think you have even the slightest chance of having a porn addiction. It can really suck you in and blow your mind. It more than served its purpose for me and my various tastes and then I went on to Youtube. I spent about 9 hours exploring that place! Throughout my motel stay, I never once even turned on the TV. I got all the entertainment I wanted and more. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched the Chad Vader series! I actually did check a few blogs but probably didn’t leave many comments. I really liked having high speed for some of the graphically intense blogs.

I came to a bit of a realization while on my high speed internet binge: I’m absolutely amazed anyone with high speed would even bother reading my posts. Okay, there’s some angst and drama and kink, but there certainly isn’t much for visual interest here. Perhaps this is why blog readers tend to be smarter?

Anyway, I’m even more honored and impressed that you all spend the time that you do reading my stuff. I feel even more of an obligation to do right here, considering the caliber of other content. You all have so much to choose from and so many of you are choosing to come here! Wow. I’m awed and humbled.

Baptism

2007-03-28T01:41:00.000-04:00

In my other Wordpress blog, I did a history of my spirituality and church going activities. That series was a productive inventory of where I have been in an attempt to see where I needed to go. Spiritually speaking, there is always some new frontier for personal growth as a person learns about areas the need to be cleared away and cleaned up in order to move on.

This new church is firmly planted and grounded within all of the history, theology and traditions surrounding Rick Warren’s Saddleback church. They use his materials in order to promote their leadership training. They use his small group model in order to expand and build the relationship roots of the congregation. So perhaps I’ll name this new church Saddleback East. Even before I looked at their material, I could see this pastor was a sort of junior Rick Warren wannabe.

He and his fellow pastors are now on the march towards a major building campaign. He has preached a series of sermons on money and material possessions. The last couple of Sundays he has enjoined the congregants to give sacrificially towards a new building fund for the next 40 months. And I’m having some misgivings.

He went on throughout his message about how this campaign was not about the money. It was not about the building. It was about winning souls to Christ. And really and truly, I was okay with that. He went on and on and on. For an hour he went on. Then he wanted to on some more. My butt was getting sore. This is the thing about a second service is that this guy will use it as a license to go on longer. And he did. During the early service, he is limited because he has to clear a building and parking lot for the second.

I was at this second service as it was when Arwyn was scheduled for her baptism.

Baptism. There is much to be said about this subject. Some see it as purely symbolic, some see it as an act of salvation and some see it as an act of obedience. In pretty much every case, it is seen as something special and unique. Just about every denomination and sect recognizes it as a singular thing not unlike a wedding ceremony. This is opposed to something like communion where we are enjoined to do it often. And I did see some really special events. There was the father baptizing his two adopted daughters, one who had special needs. There was the middle school teacher baptizing one of his young students. And then there was the senor pastor, Rick Junior, who baptized Arwyn.

The issue that I have is that this whole affair felt very rushed. It was done at the very end at about 12:45 when the congregation was already tired and hungry. There wasn’t enough of a big deal made about it, in my opinion. The offering (which was done much earlier) took more time than the baptism. I felt that the pastor missed the greatest opportunity to drive his message home by not weaving these moments into his sermon. There is no single thing he could deliver from his mouth that would not be eclipsed by the testimony observed in those people being obedient in faith and exercising it by going under the water. They don’t do these things every week or even every month. So it was a rare opportunity, and I felt like he dropped the ball.

If I had known it would have been like this, I would have tried to convince Arwyn to do it within a small group among those that knew and cared about her the most. The number that was at my baptism was far smaller, but at least everyone was there because they wanted to be. I was allowed to deliver my testimony and it was a special experience.

I haven’t said much to Arwyn about it, except I did say that I thought the pastor sort of treated it as an afterthought. But it still vexes me. It seems hypocritical to go on and on about how it is not about the money or the building, but then watch as the guy spends all of his time talking about the money and the building. But that’s just me. Arwyn is good with it, so that’s what is important. I suppose I could find anything wrong if I looked hard enough.

Photo Shot

2007-03-13T21:59:00.000-04:00

This morning I was awakened by the early morning wood trying to bust out of the cage at around 5 a.m. Normally, I would try to to sleep through it or use the bathroom and try to go back to sleep.

However this was not such a morning. No, I got up and used the bathroom but I did not go to bed. I went to the computer, instead. And sure enough, there was the combination to the key. Always Aroused Girl is nothing if not dependable. I only regret that she couldn’t be here to personally deliver it and unlock me. I unlocked the lock, and re-deposited the key into the Shurlock. In a few days or weeks I’l forget the combination, anyway.

While Arwyn was taking her shower, I grabbed the camera and hopped back into bed and watched the morning news. And to stretch out. I removed the cage, leaving the ring on with the locking post. After Arwyn emerged from the bathroom, fully dress, she darted out without so much as a look. All to the good.

First, I did some cleaning of the cb3K and its assorted parts. Then it was time for me and my cock to get re-aquainted. And just to up the ante a bit, I decided to see if the aneros could assist.

Let’s talk a bit about male masturbatory habits for just a second. It would be fair to say that most guys can do it just about any time, any where if there’s enough stimulation and urgency. However, we do have certain times, places and methods we prefer. And there are methods we do not prefer. For me, I’ve never been into stroking off in the shower or in the standing position.

I’ve had an orgasm in the standing position exactly once, about 5 years ago while Arwyn stroked me off while we were together in the shower. It’s hard for me to think of an encounter with her hotter than that one. Afterwards I commented that I had never come standing up before and her reply was, “I imagine you could probably get off just about any where or in any position.” I never was sure how to take that remark.

So in order to meet the agreed upon conditions, I had to be laying down. Plus I had to take a picture. It is then that I experienced another first, aside from taking this sort of picture. This was to be a photo shoot in the most literal sense.

My most favorite hand might be Arwyn’s. But when I’m solo-ing, I am a definite righty. And I quickly discovered that cameras favor the right with a view finder on the left and the button on the right. Taking this shot one handed was going to be a challenge, to say the least. So I decided to stretch myself even more and go left handed. It was almost like having a new partner!LOL!

So with aneros and my hand working away and some extra lube and with over 2 weeks of confinement, you would think it would be as easy as gravity, right? Right? It took some extra time and concentration and while holding the camera and worrying about the big shot. The money shot. This was a lot of pressure! In more ways then one.

But I persevered and finally the moment of truth came. I came. And my sore cock and balls felt some relief and relaxation for the first time in a long time. But Mount Vesuvius, it wasn’t. I was totally nonplussed. I waited over 2 weeks for THIS?

I got what would be hardly described as a money shot. More like a loose change shot. The-quarter-under-the-couch-cushion shot. I definitely need more practice. I definitely need to find my mojo, as this is unacceptable.

No, I am being most kind in NOT posting any of the photos. You have been spared.

Always Aroused Girl

2007-03-06T19:13:00.000-05:00

Just the name becomes the stuff of fantasies. Who wouldn’t feel delighted to have their girl be always aroused? Who wouldn’t be turned on just by the thought of having a girl around who was always aroused? Well, apparently there’s at least one guy out there.

Now to be perfectly honest, I can see where it might be slightly bothersome sometimes. Like a cat who always decides to trip you up at the worst time by rubbing on your leg, or the dog who always wants to hump your leg and everyone else’s who walks in the door. Okay, yes. That could get old in certain circumstances. But come on! I like to think of it as a constant opportunity, sort of like having a stove that has its pilot light always lit and simply needs just the right turn of the knobs and >poof!<>

If someone didn’t like having their girl always aroused, why would they take her home in the first place? Why take home an always aroused girl when you have no use for her arousal? What an incredible waste! It’s like a person taking home a fine thoroughbred horse who has no intention of ever riding her. What sense does that make?

I’m embarrassed to say I can’t remember exactly when I came into the presence of AAG. It might have been a comment she left, as I had a post or two that was getting a lot of airplay in the sex blog world when she made her debut. And we did sort of run in similar circles, blogwise. And hers was almost a mirror image of many of the same issues marriage-wise. We were natural kindred spirits. We both were sex bloggers who were writing all about sex but not actually having very much sex. We wrote about the sex we would like to have, and wondered if we ever would.

Always Aroused Girl became a major player in the sex blog universe by virtue of the rich textures she used in her writing, conjuring up sadness, and anger as well as lustful desire and even laughter from her readership. She almost always provokes her readership to chime in and participate. She makes each person feel like part of her own inner circle. As a writer, her touch is inviting, welcoming and accessible. Some bloggers come off as being larger than life and are inaccessible. That’s never been the case with AAG, who is nothing if not fairly humble in her writing. She’s very real. Definitely the girl next door…don’t we all wish?

Over the last couple of years, I have followed along on her adventures. I’ve even been inspired to imitate some of them such as taking advantage of myself on the couch or sticking toys up my butt. But of course, no one can do these things with the flair that Always Aroused Girl brings to the experience.

I considered a few of my fellow bloggers for the job of key holder, but there really was no doubt as to who was going to get asked first. After all, what better compliment is there to an Always Arroused Girl than an Always Aroused Boy? And truly the best and only way to make sure that your boy is always aroused is to lock him up and hold the key!

She has opined as of late that I have not been begging sufficiently. She is, naturally, correct. However, I think what she might really mean is that have not sufficiently projected my horniness. I really need to work on that, because what good is an Always Aroused Boy if you have no idea that he’s aroused?

I have my virtual eye fixed on AAG, make no mistake. When I dial up, I am checking my email and I am visiting her blog several times to bask in her aura. Oh yes. I am drawn there.

Having said that, I’m also mindful that I am married and my real eyes are fixed on my wife. There might be improvements afoot but these are slow coming and will take some time.

I’ll give up more on that a bit later. But in the mean time I’m just thinking how fun it is being the Always Aroused Boy for our favorite Always Aroused Girl.

Curve v. CB3K:A Brief comparison

2007-03-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Last night, I went to bed fairly early and was asleep by 10:30. And lo and behold I slept all the way through the night until 6 a.m.! Perhaps my body is finally adjusting. This in no way diminishes my sensitivity, though, which you can take on many levels.

AAG wanted to see what the cage looked like when it was filled, so I tried playing around and taking a few pictures. Thing is, the CB3000 does not look at all impressive when it is filled simply because the whole thing can't be more than 4 inches long. An expanded member will fill it up but then half if it ends up inside the body, which puts pressure on the bladder which is why a caged guy has to pee more than usual. Plus a CB3000 is a more enclose tube which makes stimulation more difficult plus makes it harder to see. It is a much more comfortable device but not so photogenic.

The Curve is just the opposite. It is a much longer, more open tube that has a very severe downward curve (hence its name). I honestly can not remember seeing any pictures of one that was filled and I never took any when I was wearing it. I do own the Curve but haven't worn it much since getting the CB3K. For one thing, it is so long that is really CAN be seen easily by someone zooming in on your crotch. In loose pants, a body just looks like they have a big package but when sitting, the bars of the cage show and that's a little too creepy for the average Joe or Jane Vanilla. Since it hung and bulged more, it wasn't as comfortable. It is a more cruel device in many ways. Since it has a more open design, it can probably hold up for longer wear without as many hygienic concerns. Also, the more open design means more flesh is exposed which means more stimulation is possible. And the more stimulation there is, the more sensitive skin is poking out the bars causing more stimulation...

But the length combined with a severe downward bend made full erections challenging and sometimes more painful. The only time I could really easily fill the Curve was in the shower and totally frustrating myself with a liberal amount of soap. It felt so good but I was never able to get off. The CB3K sort of points down but it is a less severe angle and shape which might make orgasm more possible.

The Curve was a second model put out by the Millers, the makers of the CB3K and CB2000 (which was the first). It also introduced the hinged handcuff-style A-ring. This allowed for a tighter fit with a lot less trouble getting it on over he solid cockring that came with the CB2K. However, there were a lot of problems with this, especially the hinge creating a pinching pressure point just at the most sensitive part of the scrotum. There have since been some improvements made to the handcuff style A-ring but I never did upgrade. I simply wrap the hinge with waterproof first aid tape to keep my nut sack from making contact with the hinge.

The Curve appears to be thicker and stouter material than the CB3K, but I have managed to split both devices down the seam more than once. I finally found that Delcon Liquid Weld Epoxy is strong enough to keep both halves secured much better and longer than whatever the Millers were using. However, my repairs have given both cages a dirtier appearance than they had originally. The brownish resin makes the CB3K look like I've been wearing for years instead of days or weeks! And that's one reason I haven't been big into taking pictures of it.

I wouldn't mind trying to take pictures of a filled Curve but I first need to get out of the CB3K I'm wearing now. Maybe y'all can put in a good word for me with the ever-luscious mouth wateringly delicious AAG!

One more thing worth talking about:

Arwyn has not mentioned one word about me being caged. However, she has been more and more vocal about her approval of me and my recent behavioral changes like getting up earlier, spending more time with her and the boys and such. I'm thinking she has got to know by now. She really has been more demonstratively affectionate in recent days. Those kisses have lingered just a bit longer as have the hugs and she's been initiating almost all of it. I always respond in kind, I'm just wary of trying to put too much pressure on her. But it does feel really nice even as it ramps up the frustration factor.

Day #5: Welcome AAG Fans

2007-02-28T00:08:00.000-05:00

Last night I was bad. Not in a “being-free-of-the-cage” way so much as sort of acting like I was. I stayed up until 1 a.m. goofing off online. My thinking was that since I had an easy last few nights, this night/morning would be the same. It wasn’t.

At 2 a.m. I was hard and the rascal was trying to escape the cage! I had no choice, I HAD to get up out of bed. I don’t think I woke Arwyn up, but I’m not sure. I did get almost another 4 hours of sleep so it really wasn’t too bad. But again, the 5:55 express woke me right up this morning. I’m partially compensated for having less sleep by the increase in energy afforded by either the extra excitement of the cage or just by the whole chastity business in general. Let’s just say that I am in the process of getting ramped up, horniness-wise.

I added a few new blogs to my blogroll. The cool thing about Wordpress is that you can see who else is using certain tags, and the chastity tag is seeing some extra action as of late. Check out Ms. Jannel, Ms. Alyson and Mr. Steelpants, who are all belted/caged. It’s very refreshing to encounter some women who are belted in order to get a female perspective on chastity and orgasm denial. I suspect that those who are less interested in hearing about my escapades would be more interested in theirs. And then there are those like me who are totally equal opportunity and enjoy hearing all the different perspectives.

The ever-so-luscious Always Aroused Girl has not contented herself with merely holding the key. Oh no, she has been tasking me and plying her influence over a mind that is increasingly open to suggestion. She is trying out her control. Heaven forbid she ever got herself a stable of men all under her control!

One Key to rule them all,

And in their chastity bind them!

As the day wore on, I could feel myself getting more ramped up which is a good thing considering I was short on sleep. However, the nights are going to be getting interrupted more and more, I have a feeling. If things get too intense, the Aneros will be employed to sort of serve as an equalizer. I’ll discuss that more later when the time comes.

I welcome all of AAG’s fans, readers and her considerable entourage which pretty much sent my stats into the stratosphere!

I’ll also port this over to Blogger for the convenience of readers from that service, dubious as it is. Did you know that Wordpress has an “Import” feature to import your blog and comments from Blogger? I’m just sayin’.

On Readers and Commentors

2007-02-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

My first night of lock-up was not bad at all. Cagedone often talks about the first night being the worst, but that isn’t my experience. When I use my body as an amusement park in the morning, then lock up, I generally get an easy night. I might have gotten up once during the night and even that early morning wood wasn’t so bad. But as time goes on and I get hornier, things will get much more intense. There is a definite break-in period. The key is out there for the taking for now but I’m thinking I’ll need them secured soon else I’ll be reaching for them.

Which leads me to the topic of finding a suitable keyholder and you all, my intelligent, thoughtful and insightful readers. There’s been more than one occasion where I’ve attempted to include you all in this process and the result has been somewhat tepid but life went on. Satan turned out to be a swell keyholder and I don’t recall anyone giving her any grief about being a virtual keyholder. But, dear readers, your presence looms very large. It casts a shadow that darkens and blots out the light of any single blogger. Even bloggers who have HUGE followings and are themselves semi-celebrities. They adore you, respect you and even somewhat fear you.

It’s true. The first time I encountered this, I just thought the person conveying this anxiety was simply being over anxious and generally being a worry wart. What would your readers think?

Eh? My readers? FUCK my readers, I want to play!!!

But pretty much every time I might want to have some virtual fun, you all are somehow brought into it. Okay, I do invite you in and that’s all on me. I could go off-blog, but then I lose part of the fun of both playing and having a blog. So having a readership is the price I pay for having the sort of blog I do. I am also paying a price for having readers who are overly intelligent and have a certain moral sense. Or at least this is the case for most of you who comment. Many of you come off as being judgmental prudes and you are scary! Maybe you all are wearing Good Girl Dresses here! Maybe I should be more scared than I am.

So I spent some time with my stats to get to know my readers better. Who are you? Where do you come from? What do you like reading?

Let’s answer the last one first. Guess what my #1 post of all time, is? Take guess? Which post brings in more traffic (twice as much) than any other single post I have ever posted? No, not anything to do with Christianity or religion. No, not even my post about oral sex. You want to know the post that is second to none? The one that gets fully one seventh of all my monthly traffic? The one single post that people are seeking out is this one. Prior to this point, I haven’t drawn attention to it and neither has anyone else, as far as I know. And yet it is a reader magnet. People all over the world are dialing into the post about sticking something up my butt!

Now regular commentors are a different matter and you guys and gals are the ones who truly register. You are the vocal minority because none of you commented on that post above. No one did, even if it is the most read post in my archives. But for some reason you all have the reputation of being some sort of sanctimonious mob that will burn any virtual key holder at the stake. I think Satan was tolerated because…well because we sort of expect Satan to be an evil temptress. But somehow my invisible internet friends have acquired a very formidable status that is larger than life. I might be larger than life, but I’m supposed to be because it’s my blog! But somehow you all have grown bigger and out of control or something.

When did that happen?

Comments are the spurs that keep a blogger blogging. Those of us that write know this. Stats are nice, but the comments are what really get us up in the morning to check our email. Good ones warm us and snarky ones amuse us and some simply provoke and anger us. But we are always moved. However, I’ve only just begun to appreciate how comments also influence other readers. If I read a post that moves me, I’ll want to read comments to see if others were equally moved. Most of the time I’m not especially moved to comment just because I’m doing my reading offline. People who comment are often the most passionate and articulate people which might intimidate other readers from expressing a different opinion. I’m not sure, because I simply don’t think that way. I’ll say stuff completely contrary to everyone else because that’s the way I am. Which has gotten me into hot water with my own readership in the past and pissed quite a few people off a number of times. But it would be nice if we could all just get along. And I have faith that we will. I’m very flexible as long as you all are willing to bend my way!LOL!

So I thank you all for reading AND commenting. Even if you all have grown to bnig for your britches! Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility. But don’t go getting a big head about that either! :-p

BTW, I think we might have a winner afterall. Stay tuned.

Just Doing It

2007-02-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

Wow. I hit something with that last post I wasn't quite expecting. If any of you do happen to sight the ever-elusive LL male blogger, let me know. He'll be totally famous and his blog will go totally viral in less than a month. If I thought I had the least bit of LL-ness in me I'd write one myself just to obtain the glory that such fame would bring.

But that isn't me. In the best of times (which is the worst of times) I might get down to "below normal” which would be only jacking me off a couple times a week. But even in those times, I still enjoy simply playing with my favorite toy. It really is a marvel of hydraulics that makes it swell up, become totally rigid and hard with a sort of electric blue sensitivity. I can totally understand why women envy the male penis. And any women that don't envy it... well I simply don't envy the impoverishment of your limited imaginations and lack of appreciation for the marvel that is the human body.

I often envy the female neural network that allows her to have multiple erogenous zones and multiple total body orgasms. But I also appreciate my own erogenous zone. In fact, I've been appreciating it a lot lately. After this morning's appreciation, I decided that it was time to put my favorite toy away for awhile. As any parent knows, when you put up a bunch of toys, you can dig them out some time later and the kids have a whole new appreciation for them! And that is part of the strategy with the chastity. As any guy who has ever played with the cage knows, it does cultivate and foster a richer appreciation for the penis and the orgasm.

Cagedone had alluded to this more than once, but after some self-appreciation, it is often difficult to get into the headspace necessary to lock up. I knew that going into this morning’s festivities but steeled myself for simply just doing it. Don't think about it too much, just slap the cage on and snap the lock shut.

The key is in the Shurlock (with another set strategically placed in the hood of Arwyn's car) but I haven't encrypted the combination yet. I guess I'll set the Timelock for 5 days or so after I've had at least a 24 hour break-in.

Satan graciously declined overtures to hold my keys this time so I'm back at square one, there. I even have an extra registration to give to a would-be keyholder if there is someone who might wish to audition. That means access to all of Timelock's goodies like setting the time, setting the display, setting penalties and updating . All done remotely via email. The only real catch is the high level of trust I'm going to have to have for any potential keyholders. So anyone who thinks they might have an interest can email me. I have a few people in my mind who might make good candidates, but let's see if anyone out there is truly interested.

I started to write about all of the characteristics that I might look for in a keyholder and I found that I kept thinking of one certain person who kept fitting the bill. Satan certainly fit the bill, so anyone else would have to at least measure up to those lofty standards. And there are a couple of people who do fit that bill.

Of course there might be others who I haven't thought of who also fit, which is why I even mention it. But past audience participation in my various polls and chastity activities hasn't been overwhelming so I'm not holding my breath. Being interested is one thing, but participating is something else entirely.

Stay tuned.

Man Hunt

2007-02-21T19:28:00.000-05:00

In my blog reading, I come across all sorts of different and interesting stories. It's no secret that I seem to be attracted to stories of those who struggle with their relationships/marriages in some way. I also don't hide that my bias is actually more toward male bloggers in whatever version of dysfunction or train wreckage they find themselves.

But when it comes to relationship blogs, women are superior in quantity and quality. My blogroll covers a vast constellation of writers from various perspectives. And I'm always reading new ones, especially now that I'm shifting my bias towards writers using Wordpress. Blogger is bigger and has a more developed pool of writing talent but I'm enjoying the discovery of new and fresh reading.

I'm getting to a point, stay with me.

Within the train wreck relationships theme, there are a few trends and genres that emerge. First, the guys are fairly predictable. Almost all of them are not getting the sort of sex they would like from their wives. This can manifest itself through frequency, style, lack of intimacy or lack of enthusiasm. Any way you put it, the guy has problems with sex. Some guys endure or try to work it out. Others leave. And still others have affairs.

The women have more complex situations. There are those that are analogous to the men who are not getting intimacy/sex from their husbands and partners so they go out and find someone new, try to fix the old relationship or endure. And then a couple outliers like those who have too much sex and complain or the prostitute servicing the guys above who choose that route.

There's one genre that I've run across more than once that does grab me and gets my blood up, and not in the good way.

Basically it is the woman who is married to a guy who seems to desire her physically but she despises him for whatever reason and goes out and finds someone else. I'm having trouble with that scenario. I have yet to read of a guy who is behaving that way. IOW, he has a wife who wants to have sex with him, but he either refuses her or acts like a pig so she won't pester him for it, meanwhile he finds someone else to fuck. I haven't seen that from the men.

This may be a function of women requiring that deeper emotional connection. If they don't get it, sex will be lousy. Okay, I can get that. But I don't get them not working at it, instead opting to go somewhere else on the side. I think that particular scenario gets me angrier than any other. If you're not getting it at home, I totally understand going elsewhere. But if you can get it at home, even if it's not very good it can be improved, right?

Generally, if a guy's wife is willing to have sex at least once in awhile, he seems to be willing to work at it, if that his chief complaint. Or at least that's what I'm reading.

Of course I have yet to run into a blog by a guy like C-Marie's or Oblivion's or Always Aroused Girl's who just simply don't seem to like sex anymore. The guy who doesn't want sex with his wife is the most elusive of all writers. I really need to do more searching and see if I can bag one of these for my blogroll. I want the guy who thinks his wife is a nympho and he's sick and tired of it. I want the blog of a guy whose wife wakes him at 5 a.m. for sex and he just wants to catch some more Z's. I want the guy who would rather jerk off in the shower or on the can to a porn mag than fuck his wife who is lying naked on the bed in the next room, just waiting to put her ankles behind his ears.

My blogroll will never be complete without these guys represented. We need to get one, put on the radio transmitter tag and study him.

I wonder: is there a relationship between libido and writing? Are those with higher libidos just more inclined to write while LL folks are less willing and able to articulate?

Blogger's Beta & Yahoo's Beta: old news bad news

2007-02-15T21:27:00.000-05:00

I’ve just finished the tour of the “new” Blogger that has supposedly just gotten out of beta just in the past few weeks or so. The one that will eventually force everyone to switch to the new version.

After looking at the “new” dashboard, I can see why people would switch. Yeah, the “new” Blogger is better than the old one. Trouble is, is that while it is new to Blogger, those features aren’t new. At least they are not new to Wordpress bloggers who have had the widget-based blogs without the annoying spinner since forever. Wordpress also has a nifty export and import feature just for switching from Blogger or just for archiving your blog.

Where’s Blogger’s import/export feature?

It seems unseemly to use Blogger to bash it, so I’ll give a couple of advantages just to be fair:

First, Blogger is a bit more customizable than the free Wordpress. If you know HTML, you can do some nifty things that may not work exactly the same or as well in Wordpress. Also, those of you posting ads and using your blogs to make money should probably stick to Blogger. Wordpress doesn’t cater to as much commercialization as far as I know. And I have had to be more diligent on getting rid of the spam in Wordpress. But at least there, you don’t have the annoying little letters to type in.

On a related note, Yahoo! Is trying to promote a beta of its email dashboard. Unlike Blogger, I thought the new Yahoo beta sucked. Mass deletions were more complicated and there is a big-assed ad that makes the actual view space in the email smaller and harder to read. Plus the cartoon guy in the vest was SOOO annoying! They should use a half nekkid babe to demonstrate the new features. Finally, the new Yahoo mail page would not play nice with Firefox, being optimized for IE7 instead. I wanted my emails in a full-sized tab, not the stupid little miniature Yahoo one. It’s almost like they are trying to get me switch to Google! So I was at least able to switch back, unlike what happens with the Bloger switch.

Back to my RSS woes, it might be my version of Thunderbird which is a bit old.

AAG’s previous subscription address was: http://alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com/atom.xml

All I had to do was put “atom.xml” behind the url. For any Wordpress url, just putting /feed behind it tells T-bird all it needs to know. It verifies the feed, and then downloads the last 10 posts of a new subscription. For some reason it hates the new atom subscription address used in blogger and declares it invalid which we all know isn’t true. Firefox has no problems with it, but Firefox can’t do diddly off-line.

It’s probably something on my end, and definitely if I were all techno-high-speedy and not so insistent on reading offline, there wouldn’t be an issue at all. I just miss having a nice clean, simple news reader like the old Free Agent.

In any case, my story continues in my Wordpress blog. If that is what you’ve been following for some time, you may wish to reset your various pointers, links and subscriptions because that’s where the action is. This blog will stay up and I’ll still use it when I have the need and may occasionally mirror but with the archive feature of Wordpress built-in, the need for two identical spaces is gone. I’m not moving out so much as changing the vacation spot into a more permanent place and the old place into a vacation spot.

One by One...

2007-02-10T14:37:00.000-05:00

I've watched various blogs fall off of my RSS reader as Blogger bloggers switch over to the new beta that is using something besides the atom.xml extention (at least that's my assumption). I've searched high and low for some way to get those subscriptions back up and working in Thunderbird but to no avail. The Wordpress blogs are always easy to subscribe to and I suspect I'll find some new substitutes for old blogs there.

I've looked at Bloglines and Google reader and both of these rely on going to the site via the web browser which simply will not do. I like to get my posts in large batches and then read them away from my computer.

That's not to say I'll never stop in and comment, but it just means I won't be following the stories as closely as I used to. And that might be a good thing, time-wise. But it also reinforces my view that Blogger is an inferior platform when it comes to blogging.

D.

Managing Multiple Blogs

2007-01-26T20:25:00.000-05:00

Flutterby asked how I managed multiple blogs and a number of other folks have commented about me having such a network of places. And these are not sites that simply mirror each other. Yes, sometimes they do but often you'll find unique content on each one.

Having multiple blogs is not something I'd suggest to most people. It can often be confusing and bothersome as a body tries to juggle multiple audiences, logins, names, storylines and spaces.

The how and why I do it is mostly because my mind is very much compartmentalized. My relationship with my wife intersects with my spirituality but not necessarily in discussing how mine differs from yours. I often get ideas from reading you all, but sometimes those ideas are not germane to what I have going on in my own life story. Plus I occasionally get diarrhea of the keyboard and have several things to say at once. Despite the chaos that is my life, I do try to keep the assorted themes and storylines straight and organized.

I'm not sitting in front of a computer most of the day. In fact I'm all over the place. And a lot of that time is spent waiting. With my PDA, I can conveniently blog whenever I want with a minimum of disruption to my private/professional life. It's more portable that a notebook, lighter and less disruptive. Once I got the hang of the thumb pad, I was off and running.

Mentally, I do have a map of what goes where as far as content. The R&R Blogger site is the darling of the biggest share of my readers because it has been around the longest and has the complete archives and it's where everyone links to. So this is the "mainstream" blog where popular content goes to keep readers generally informed of my storylines. R&R Wordpress actually gets more content and I'm trying to steer more people in that direction. I'm not forcing anyone to change their links if they don't want, and you can still keep up for the time being. I get that it is more convenient for you Blogger bloggers to comment in a like-minded site. Having a blogger account enables me to comment to most of you!

But R&R Wordpress is where the edgiest stuff is going. It gets updated sooner, more often and with more gritty content. Notice how much longer that blogroll is in Wordpress? It's just oodles easier to manage. And if I wanted, I could categorize the blogroll same as my posts.

Unsolicited Advice was always intended to support R&R through expanding the general knowledge base. Whether from academia, literature, periodicals, other blogs and websites, this was supposed to be more cerebral content. It was also intended to be very generic and not tied very closely to me or my story. At various times, I've used R&R and UA in tandem to explore and extend various topics. R&R would be where I would talk about whatever issue I might be facing personally while UA would be a much more detached treatment of the same subject. I suppose one could say R&R was my heart and UA was my head.

UA Wordpress was a marked departure. I originally started it out of frustration with Blogger, which continues to be a bothersome mess. However, it has been a place where I could give extended treatment to various subjects. Running a series takes energy and space, and it's nice not having to clutter up a space with stuff that may not be related. So having multiple blogs has enabled me to be slightly kinder to my readers.

If you're trying to run multiple blogs, I think it's important to have a clear vision for each one. If you're running two blogs together off the same profile, it's okay if they overlap and support each other. Go ahead and swap links back and forth. I do that all the time. That would be a tandem model of multiple blogging. Your stuff is in the same closet but is on different shelves. You could use these blogs to support one another by supporting 2 or more related discussions at the same time. Again, this is a bit of a juggling act.

If you want totally separate blogs and keep entirely separate content (and audiences) I recommend having them each parked in different places. Wordpress makes this pretty easy, but having another one in Typepad or some other hosting place will help keep things tidy. For instance if you have a family blog read by your parents and another blog devoted to raunchy sex kinks, you might want to keep them separate. Having them hosted by different services will lessen the dangers of one audience stumbling into the wrong blog because you stupidly left a comment under the wrong blog with the wrong identity. With blogger, this is as easy to do as gravity unless you pay close attention and even in Wordpress two worlds can collide with frightening ease. You want each universe to be separate and uncontaminated by the other which means different names, different locations, and different identities.

Keeping only one blog can be fraught with its own pitfalls when a less public but more devilish persona intersects with the puritanical one we'd like to present. For instance I'm not a big reader of Mommy Blogs, but when I do get a hankering for a hot momma, I go visit Katie Fleck. Very much the über mom with bunches of kids, projects and activities all the time. Very prim, very proper, intelligent and very irresistibly cute (her sister's not bad either). When she said something about being an expert shoe polisher, I suggested she might keep various leather items polished as found on bootedup.com. I posted the comment and then saw the one right above mine...

HI KATIE'S DAD!

Your daughter is blogrolled somewhere between "A Kinky Woman's Guide to the Universe" and "The Search for the Perfect Ass" on the Wordpress blog. Just so you know.

Becoming Introverted

2007-01-21T19:17:00.000-05:00

While describing my history with Arwyn, it’s not unusual for someone to ask if she ever seemed to like having sex with me. And the answer to that is yes she did at the very beginning. 2-3x per day every day for a couple of months, in fact. So on the surface, it looks like she did a total about-face and I would have a difficult time arguing against that.

However, she’s not the only one who did a dramatic turn around. Mine might have even been more profound.

The Myers-Briggs temperament scale measures 4 dimensions of personality and temperament resulting in 16 different temperament styles. The first is the introversion-extraversion dimension. When I first took this test 16 years ago, I was solidly an extravert. With 10 questions measuring this dimension, 9 of my answers were on the extraversion side. I took it again a few years later and I was still the same on that dimension. To everyone around me, I was super-extraverted. I met new people and made new friends very easily. And this was the case when Arwyn came on to the scene. I was the leader of our adult Sunday school class and the church singles group. I was kind of out there and I’m sure she found this attractive. She found something attractive enough that she came out of her introverted self enough to ask me out. That was a gutsy move I’ve only appreciated more over the years.

The last time I took the test a few weeks ago, I was no longer extraverted. On 10 questions measuring this dimension, 8 of my answers now fall within the realm of introversion. I’ve done an almost complete flip. When, how and why?

The when is about the time Arwyn and I became committed to each other. Which might help explain why. Because looking back, I can see that I really and truly have always liked a lot of “alone” time. However I don’t like being lonely. For the longest time I was a lonely loner so I stepped up and out and did what was necessary to find and get companionship. I joined social groups and the “intuitive-thinking” dimensions just sort of propelled me into leadership type positions. So my temperament in the old days was identical to FTN’s ENTJ/Field Marshal style. That’s how I looked, at least and it’s how I felt.

But once Arwyn and I were committed, I no longer felt driven to be out in front. In fact, other people annoyed me more often than not. And so my extraversion rapidly powered down. I still had to work with and around people, but even there I was more on my own and liked working more independently.

Thinking about it, it must have been terribly bewildering to Arwyn. Here is this seemingly charismatic, outgoing character who suddenly turns out to be almost an antisocial hermit! I still end up in the spotlight through teaching adult Sunday school, but I’m not nearly as gregarious as I was when Arwyn and I first met.

So what you’re witnessing is what can happen when two introverts get married. Or when two people who get married turn out to be introverts. Introverts, by definition tend to be avoiders. They are not going to seek confrontation much less conflict. FTN is going to confront his wife, and Aphron is going to be confronted by Sybil, his wife. Even within a household with two introverts, I would expect the lesser introvert to confront the other. Or maybe the one with the most issues. Who’s to say?

The major point of this post is to simply put a bit of balance into it by stating that Arwyn wasn’t the only one that changed. I suppose the argument could convincingly be made that her withdrawal was a response to mine and if I was the first to change, she merely reacted to me not being the person she knew before.

I don’t have a ready response to that, except to say this is something that has worked in both directions. We both have watched and allowed things to cascade downward.

My Blogging Tools (GEEK ALERT!)

2007-01-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

FTN recently posted his 10 best most favorite blogging tools and then wondered what others used. Mine is a little different constellation of hardware, software and applications, so I'll share here:

1. My Sharp Zaurus SL - 5500 PDA: This Linux powered hand held device is the real powerhouse behind my miniature blogiverse. I type on the Blackberry-like thumb keyboard and safe it to either the CF or SD flash cards. I can then use a card reader to load it into my PC.

2. MS Word - It has some nifty features and is faster than Open Office. I'm working on shedding my dependency on this proprietary monster but rely on its grammar and spell check for what little editing I do. It seems rather crazy for FTN and others to be fiddling with notepad when they have Word sitting right there.

3. Mozilla Thunderbird - Many of you have switched to Firefox and you are smart to do so. Those who have not are simply slow and foolish. However, if you still use Microsoft's virus incubator/vector called Outlook for email, you're still not being very bright. I've been using Thunderbird's RSS feature to read most of you the same way others use bloglines. I then take your posts, and copy and paste them into Word files, put the on the CF card and then I can read them on my Zaurus.

4. Flash cards, readers and memory sticks: others have extolled the virtues of these nifty little storage media and they are essential for moving posts (mine and yours) back and forth between where they are up/down loaded and where they are read/written.

5. Wordpress: This has revolutionized my entire blogging experience. It keeps stats, keeps track of search terms used, who is linking, who is pinging, who is spamming, and basically makes every bit of blog management very painless. It eliminates the need for a lot of other tools that are used by my Blogger friends. And I still get my comments through the email address of my choice.

6. Juno Email: I should probably get a Gmail but years ago I used Juno as my ISP (back when they thought all email should be free) and keep it for blogging purposes. If I ever need to switch to another dial-up, Juno will be the one as it is still relatively inexpensive and one of the few who at least makes an effort to be Linux-friendly.

7. Puppy Linux: This is an operating system that fits on a thumb drive as small as 64 Mb. I also have a few copies burned on CDs. It runs entirely in RAM which means I don't really need a hard drive at all and I'm able to use a laptop under IT lockdown as a second computer when Arwyn is using our main machine for her pictures and stuff. When Windows craps out, I'm not going to be left high and dry nor am I going to pay $150 U.S. to upgrade to Vista. Puppy is actually very robust for such a small OS with an easy graphical interface. If you have an old P3 sitting around, slap some cheap RAM in and Puppy will turn it into brand new zippy modern machine. Oh, and you can forget about the malware that is the bane of every Windows user's existence. For Puppy it doesn't exist. And if some freakish thing did happen to get it, you simply restart the computer. Remember, Puppy exists in RAM! It's a great tool for blogging and online stuff.

8. Firefox: (www.ie7.com)Sometimes a body just has to surf and this is the tool I use. I can also subscribe using its RSS feed, but Thunderbird is just easier for what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

9. Blogshares: This isn't something I look at very often but it is often entertaining. I'm not a player, even though I have 2000 shares of my own blogs reserved just for me. And the blogger version of Reality and Redemption has historically been exceedingly valuable to those who do play. From what I understand, blogshares are valued by the incoming links compared to outgoing links. More incoming links are good, but some incoming links are worth more than others. My outgoing links have always been carefully rationed and managed which has provided very good dividends for those on my blogroll. This is also a good place to visit to find out who else is linking to your blog and who is linking who. I've discovered a really cool blog or two through this. However, only Blogger blogs are included in this, so Wordpress users don't get to play.

10. My desktop machine. While I do stuff on the Zaurus and occasionally on the laptop. my desktop is where it all comes together. It's nothing fancy, just an Intel Celeron D with 512 RAM and 1.8 G processor and I'm still using dial-up and XP as the main OS. But that's where I do most commenting from (all commenting for Blogger writers) and where I read most comments.

I had a hard time coming up with 10 items for this list! These are all tools and gadgets. Yes, it also takes time, energy, patience and a big drive to want to push material out. And somehow I've managed to push out sufficient material to keep 4 blogs afloat.

Nice change of pace even if it is super geeky.

Snakes Don't Wear Vests

2007-01-04T00:08:00.000-05:00

Hmmmph.

Where do I start? Where oh where to start?

I’ve spent the last 90 minutes slinking throughout Oblivion’s blog. Her history is short but she’s got big archives. I have no idea why I haven’t seen her before. I’m sure I have but it just never registered. As a collector of train wreck marriages, my trophy case wouldn’t be complete without her addition to my collection. And since KJ disappeared, I currently have an opening for this exact kind of story.

Anyway, she has this new tattoo in the small of her back that her husband has not seen yet. Well, it’s not a new tattoo, exactly. It’s 3 months old. If you go back into her archives YOU can see it. So yeah, you all get to see something her husband has not seen before he gets to see it. How cool is that?

In 2006, I wore the cage on a few occasions, and each time shaved the nest off from around the bird of paradise. And each time it grew back completely. And Arwyn never knew, noticed or cared. Of course if she got a tattoo would I notice? If the opportunity exists, I’m looking. I adore seeing her naked. But she does not adore me seeing her naked so much. Must be my reptilian eyes or something.

Like the time I tried to snuggle and she commented my arm was too heavy. I told her that maybe they were too rough like a reptile’s.

“Reptile? What are you talking about?”

“Well, you hate my touch so much, I figured I must be all rough, creepy and scaly like a snake.” I offered.

“Snake skin is smooth.” She said as she rolled over and went to sleep.

How utterly comforting.

But that was then, a few months ago.

Now, let’s go back to another time a few months ago, when we described my sleeping arrangements. Yes, following FTN’s little theme. Remember the stunning pictures. (odd…WP didn’t even archive that post)

Arwyn asked tonight if I could sleep in my oldest’s room whilst he slept in our bed. It was just the way she did it. Of course, she was in the bed and so was he, so there was no making a scene, here. There was me going to the computer to spend time with you all. And there’s that bottle of wine that I bought b fore the holidays that hasn’t been opened yet…

Screw-off cap! Cool! No need for a corkscrew!

I’m curious how the “sleep-in-separate-beds/rooms” folks do it.

A Word or Two about 06

2007-01-02T21:39:00.000-05:00

I used to enjoy a good, drunken, raucous New Year’s party as much as the next person. But as soon as I married Arwyn, those days were over. I have since pretty much seen the New Year in alone every year, as she can not stay up that late.

What can I say about 2006? In many ways, believe it or not, it was an improvement over 2005. I began the year in a quagmire or debt and financial distress. 2007 begins with us still in debt, but finances are more manageable. It still wouldn’t take much of a reversal to wipe us out, but we’re maintaining. I’m putting 2.5x more into savings every month than I was a year ago.

Arwyn is on board with the finances at least in principle. She is still wildly impulsive with her spending but at least seems to see the wisdom in kicking free of payments.

I pretty much kicked smoking to the curb last year. I am now more smoke free for a longer time that at any time since I began smoking. However, I’m not sure I like the nicotine free me. I’m even more withdrawn and isolated into myself than I was before. I still feel the cravings and the draw towards the things. The gamble here is that I’ll have a future that is more worth living in than leaving behind. I have yet to fully redeem that promise.

My health has not improved so much, tho. My joints seem to be falling to pieces as my weight has begun creeping. Or maybe it just seems like I’m bigger because my mother-in-law has made more than one snide remark about my weight. So I have some work to do in that area.

Professionally, I’ve grown over the past year. This has translated partially towards making good financially but it also makes work a veritable safe haven for me. A place where I am respected and admired and listened to and liked; all the very things that are NOT a part of my life in my house with my spouse.

At home, I’ve enjoyed my kids this year more as they’ve gotten older. I haven’t spent as much time with them, but I think I’ve spent some good quality time with them. I found that when I’m alone with them I have less problems, and things are much more relaxed. We enjoy the simple things, like playing in the backyard, shelling and eating peanuts, or just taking out the garbage. I wish I had more constructive things for them to do as they get older because they have a lot of energy that needs to be used and challenged.

Okay, the marriage; this is one area where things have NOT improved. In fact, the deterioration has been more this year than any previous single year or maybe all previous years put together. Arwyn has spent a lot of the year sleeping more on the couch than in our bed. Her deciding to attend another church has been a huge wedge in one of the few remaining areas where we had agreement. Other than the children, there isn’t a lot that we share anymore. I still love her, but sometimes dislike her. I resent her lack of interest and investment in our relationship.

Honestly, I have no idea how you all can read this without getting depressed!

07 - I’ve always considered 7 to be a lucky number. It’s certainly a Holy one. What kind of dreams and expectations should I take with me into 07? I’m usually not good with resolutions, as such, and usually eschew making them. But I do need to noodle out some sort of vision.

First off I have a couple of things to look forward to. One is that after a 3 year absence, I will make a return trip to Iowa with the boys. I’d rather Arwyn not come as she HATES the farm but it’s hard to imagine her not going. I also have my 25th class reunion which is actually being held at a time I’ll be able to attend. I graduated from a class of 56, so I knew everyone and look forward to seeing some of them again for the first time in 25 years. It’s good to have something to look forward to.

I’d like to continue the good things that are going with finances and the job and the kids. Yeah, something needs to be done about the marriage business. We need to decide what it is going to be between us and work towards that, one way or another. I’d like for things to grow, blossom and flourish the way we wanted when we first got married. But we both need to share in the same vision, similar to what we’re beginning to do with our finances.

364

2006-12-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

Days without intercourse

I am trying to think back. Back, back, back, back, back.

When was the last time I went an entire year without sexual intercourse?

When Arwyn was preggers with our second, she was on bed-rest from the moment of conception. Close, but no. There was some very awkward fumbling after 10.5 months, but we did have sex again.

Before dating Arwyn, the previous girl I had had sex with the day after Christmas. I fucked her in a new nightie I had bought her. But she wasn’t so into it and I could tell we were on a down hill slide. I moved my stuff out of her house that week. I fucked Arwyn the first time during the second week of December the next year (1994?). Very, very close there, but not quite a year. Another couple of weeks and it would have been a year.

Before my two year period with the old girlfriend, I had a series of short-term affairs from my first month in Georgia. My last year in Iowa I had a few women…

Dead Ringer. The first girl I was ever naked with but never had sex with. 1989. George H.W. Bush. The Berlin Wall was still standing. The Soviet Union was still our most feared adversary. The price of gas was about $1.00. Pee Wee Herman was the #1 children’s television show on Saturday mornings. Arsenio Hall was the coolest late-night talk show host.

The last time I had a dry spell this long, I was typing my thoughts on a Laser 128 (an Apple IIc clone), with 128K of RAM, no HD and everything was stored on 5.25″ floppies.

My sexual history didn’t even really start until I was 25 years old. I wanted to wait for the right one. I really did. I went all the way through high school and graduated college without having sexual intercourse. I was tempted and came close more than once. Sometimes the girl stopped things and sometimes it was me. But I held off longer than most people who are reading this.

And now, I am back to where I was 20 years ago. Living in the same house and often sleeping in the same bed as a woman who is neither my mother or my sister. We’ve seen each other naked on a few occasions in the shower. Kissed each other several times. We made two boys by joining together as one flesh. But we have not done that since Christmas Eve 2005. And that was actually a good time. There were a few attempts after that, but around February I gave up. I had finally been turned away and rejected too many times. Almost our entire 10 year marriage has been characterized by clashing libidos..

I want to smoke. I want a smoke SO bad. Smoking was more than a habit. I could blow smoke to express anger. I could flick ash and inhale deeply and feel the nicotine bind within my blood stream, firing off the serotonin in my brain. I could exhale smoke out my nose like an angry, snorting dragon. I was one with the fire.

The cigarettes were always there. Always dependable. I never had to wonder, “Am I going to get any pleasure today?” It was always one flick of the Bic away. Never further than the closest convenience store. And all the store clerks around knew who I was and what I came for.

I could light up over and over throughout the day. Hit after hit. Stroking my brain with masturbatory excess giving myself mini-pleasures over and over. Cigarettes were dependable. They never got pissy. They never had a period so they never had PMS. They were never too tired, too busy, too uptight, too satiated.

I am missing them mightily.

These things are SO cool!

2006-12-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

I wonder why I never discovered them before? Considering my oral-ness it may be surprising that while I've always sort of picked at my teeth I've never been a real flosser. But these little toys are just too cool. So much better than just the string. The pointy end is good for picking around and you can actually bend them into hooks for some fun scrapage.

I may just have to give up biting pens, paper clips and pencils.

It's nice to know that my oral fixation can now have a relatively healthy outlet. As nice as it would be to have certain other diversions.

D.

A Few Thoughts About Divorce...

2006-12-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

But they are all over at my place on Wordpress. It's just easier at the moment to read and manage discussions over there.

D.

"In My Dreams"

2006-11-27T20:13:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about responses to my "Person-to-Person" post. The consensus is that God would not move a person towards separation and divorce or it at least goes against scripture.

While the darker forces of the universe may have a vested interest in our separation, I find it hard to believe that she would be bent on making it easy and painless. Pain, death, destruction, desolation...these are the fruits of the Darkness.

The other day, Arwyn was on the internet pricing houses in the area. Lately, she has demonstrated a keen interest in local real estate. We have looked at houses together, including the new luxury home subdivision behind ours going for $350,000 plus. Some of these could actually accommodate at least two separate families with the 2 stories plus a full basement. She has taken the boys on a sufficient number of house-looking excursions that they are now asking to go look at houses. Their teachers have asked if we were moving.

So the other day, while she was browsing local house sales, I asked her, "Are you thinking about moving and getting your own house?"

"In my dreams!" was her reply.

I can't remember what the interruption was (likely one of the kids) but I never did get a chance to follow-up on that. But really and truly I'm thinking we are on the same page with our thoughts more and more. That if there was some way to afford two separate houses, either one of us would do it. Maybe we could go back to just dating. Maybe we need more space at least for a time. This is not so much a matter of anger and bitterness. It is a case of differentness that wants its own space.

Among other bloggers who have found themselves in state of involuntary celibacy, this is not a new idea, but I have yet to find a case where both partners are of one mind on the subject. Several bloggers have entertained the possibility of having two separate domiciles, but the other spouse rarely seems open to the idea. Freebird and Trueself are two notable examples of this idea.

Cat actually gotten into this arrangement and it about is as close to what I've thought of as anyone. However, her husband is still not on board with the arrangement. But it at least seems to be working for her. Of course she's developed other interests beyond her husband but that's another story.

It's just another of those ideas I'm entertaining and it might be doable if Arwyn is similarly inclined.

But the real and actual truth is this: I do very poorly living alone. I stay up later, get out of bed later, am less generally productive and don't eat as well. My motivation for doing things would probably go down to zilch. I don't know if I'd go back to smoking or not.

But I still think about not having to clean up after all of her crap that seems to be taking over every area of the house. She's probably thinking it would be nice having two houses to store stuff in.

Be Careful What you Wish for...

2006-11-24T11:08:00.000-05:00

...And be more careful about who you send the wishlist to.

I have a wishlist on Amazon.com. I've had it for over a year but never sent it to anyone. Finally I decided to send it to Arwyn, my mom, my brother, my sister and my cousin. The idea was not to get anything except maybe their wishlists. There's no way I'm buying a ton of stuff for Christmas but I could totally see myself ordering things for birthdays.

My list (which will not be shared for security reasons) consists of mostly books about gardening, cooking and adding to my collection of CS Lewis. Plus some Lexar keydrives, RAM and other nerdy things. And there are also 2 books by David Schnarch on the list, buried towards the bottom. Within the whole list, it's not a huge deal.

So on the Amazon.com site, I decide to send my wishlist out and I write a happy email telling them I hoped to get lists from them. And then hit 'send' to the above people, plus myself. I wanted to see what the email looked like.

O.M.G.

I got the happy email, complete with a picture sample of two books on my list and a link to view the rest of the list. And which books were right there beneath the big letters: "Digger's Wishlist Includes…!"?? I'll give you two guesses.

If Arwyn guesses that this went out to half my family she will shit bricks.

How the hell does Amazon decide to show stuff? It's not by priority, popularity, price, theme or alphabetically, I can tell you that!

More Goodies from the Jones Kitchen Lab

2006-11-23T11:01:00.000-05:00

Cooking tip of the day: Buttermilk - a cook's best friend. Seriously, it's turned almost everything I bake up 2 levels. It started off with Alton Brown's "Instant" pancake recipe. However I had issues with having to keep buttermilk in my fridge just in case I might want to make pancakes. Then I discovered powered buttermilk. Now I could make a batch of this stuff and just add water.

The next phase occurred like all great cooking secrets do; by accident. I was almost out of my homemade pancake mix so I added some Bisquick to make up the shortfall. A look on the back of the Bisquick box yielded several recipes. Hmmmm. And so I began using the "instant" pancake mix that is now better and more versatile that even Alton Brown would ever imagine. Deep fried chicken nuggets, onion rings, fish sticks, corn dogs...all made with this super batter. My chicken pot pie is to die for and it really is amazingly quick and easy as well as cheeseburger pie. I even used it for a mega-fast pizza crust not to mention biscuits.

But this week I took it to yet another level. It started with yet another recipe from the back of the Bisquick box, which is no longer part of a box but it a part of my loose-leaf binder of cooking secrets. Velvet Cake was the recipe. It called for Bisquick plus sugar, eggs and vanilla. When I poured the mixture into the cake pan I saw a disaster in the making. This batter barely covered the bottom of the pan and I had beaten it within an inch of its confectionary life. Oh well, give it a shot. 25 minutes later: Wow!

The recipe for the topping is super good, too. I went all the way with that. The result was a cake that did not last 24 hours in this house, which is saying a lot for a cake not consisting of the usual type of frosting.

But this was not the end of my powdered-buttermilk-mix odyssey. I put it to the ultimate test. Not even an Iron Chef would attempt this. But I did. I put this batter to the real test:

Fruitcake.

People enjoy bitching and complaining about this food but I see nothing but potential in this Everest of food challenges. I like dried fruits and assorted nuts (it helps to actually be a nut) and I like cake. I tried some from the store, and they seemed deserving of their doorstop-brick reputations.

I saw Alton Brown's episode on his version as well as several other Food Channel specials on the subject. They do look good in the making, but after cooling and aging something goes wrong. And so it was last year, I made an attempt that just didn't cut it. It was better than other things I had tried, but still was not appetizing enough to make me look forward to eating it.

I concluded that there were just some basic design problems in all the recipes I had gone through. First off, there is very little "cake" in fruit cake. It is a chunky beast in need of lightening up just a bit. Given the sheer mass of the ingredients, it is not an easy thing. The buttermilk in my pancake mix gave my batter some extra lift to do the job.

Another problem is the ingredients themselves. No one I know buys a container of candied cherries (either green or red), candied pineapples or candied orange peel and pigs out. No one. OTOH, I will pig out on raisins, pecans, dates, walnuts, figs...lots of other dried fruit. So just why are we adding all the candied crap? The only thing I can think of is for color. Last year, the candied shit was clearly my major downfall.

This year, I bought one very small container of candied orange peel. Everything else was real dried fruit or nuts. I then did a little bit of an experiment. An accidental experiment. I had 10 mini loaf pans. In 5 of them, I filled it all the way with my fruitcake mix. In the other 5, they were only filled half way or so. To those, I topped in off with the Bisquick velvet cake recipe using my own batter.

The result was stunning.

We tried one after it had cooled and devoured it in 11.6 minutes, I kid you not. I'm trying to make Christmas presents here, but it's going to be hard keeping people out of the goodies until we can dole them out to the lucky recipients.

No, I'm not giving any recipes.

Wait. No, I will give you one for the easiest holiday treat ever. I just discovered/made this today and feel like such a knob for not knowing it earlier.

Chocolate peanut clusters retail for big bucks in the gourmet candy shops. These are easy enough to make whenever you get a craving:

1. Melt chocolate (bark) coating or milk chocolate of your choice. I did 1 minute in the microwave, try to stir, 1 more minutes stir and then stir more at the 15 second intervals until it was melted smooth.

2. Dump in your choice of dry roasted or cocktail peanuts or pecans and stir.

3. Spoon clumps onto waxed paper-covered cookie sheet. Cool in fridge for 1-2 minutes.

4. Eat.

You can add raisins, coconut or whatever if you want. It doesn't get any easier than this. I am going to be making gobs more of these things.

I'll be taking it (relatively) easy for turkey day. No traveling and I'm going to try to make the cooking as easy and painless as possible. I'd be interested in knowing if any of you have tried cooking a turkey in one of those giant roasting cookers. Or how about one of those Ronco roasters, where the bird spins around? "Set it and forget it!"

Maybe I'll get caught up on my blog reading.

Happy Thanksgiving!

And for the Canucks, Limeys, Ozzies and assorted other foreigners you can be thankful that at least you won't have to endure Black Friday.

Bonus: Play Highlights Hidden Pictures on line!

When God Calls Person-to-Person

2006-11-21T20:52:00.000-05:00

I am in the midst of my annual Christmas Baking Blitz, where I produce massive quantities of gifts from my kitchen in lieu of real gifts. I have no idea how any average sized family handles the complexities of gift giving. For some reason we think we have to give gifts to all of our children's teachers and bus drivers. And since they are affiliated at least part time with special education and ride separate buses it is no small thing. We figured out that the boys saw at least 13 adults between the two of them on a daily basis plus associated therapists.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that teachers typically get a lot of junk at Christmas. Sometimes it's cool junk, but it isn't an iPod or tires for the car. It is mostly the coffee mug, perfume, bath product type of fare. Which is why food is always a popular thing, at least until some fool poisons someone and then I'll be checking out how to make coffee mugs.

And then there are coworkers and distant relatives to think of. I counted about 20 of them, but I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. If I keep the list short, there are about 30 who make the gift list. But even if I went with a basic 20, consider trying to pick out gifts for all of them or even just buying a $15 gift card. No wonder the country has an economic hangover in January. Last year, I advocated the Buy Nothing Christmas and once again I'm calling for some restraint on commercialism. In just a few days, the world will run amok on "Black Friday'“ Don’t do it.

So what's rolling out of the kitchen this year? I'm sympathetic to those who continually do Christmas bigger every year, and I'm afraid I have fallen at least that far. In addition to the microwave popcorn, sugar cookies and cookie mix in a jar, I do have a few holiday fruitcakes going in the oven and cinnamon raisin bread. I'm also thinking about trying some sort of chocolate peanut candy to see how it goes.

Okay, just to talk about the latest goings on, or lack thereof, several folks were wondering about the Dave Ramsey Seminar Arwyn went to. I was nervous all day, wondering if she would really go or not, as she was not at all looking forward to it.

However, when she got home she was pretty excited about trying to get our finances straightened out. Dave Ramsey is a salesman selling a dream and he did his job well. She really enjoyed it and took notes and filled out the little workbook they give you when you register. And she's been visiting his website, so at least we're on the same page there.

However, this time of year is her hardest time of year. She doesn't seem to be able to curb her spending. It's almost like a compulsion or something. And she has left the house and ended up spending since the seminar, so I'm just wondering if there was any real impact. Still, we do at least have a common basis for discussion.

We've talked a bit more about the church thing. She claims she doesn't get anything out of the sermons, which a common complaint in any church, I suppose. However the Methodist church is plagued with some capable messengers who are unwilling or unable to deliver a message that challenges and inspires the people. There are concerns and problems within our community which the Methodist congregation does not want to face. However, blaming the lack of church attendance on a poor sermon is a lot like refusing to come to Thanksgiving because the turkey is dry. That's not the real purpose. It's silly to expect a pastor to be exceptionally gifted in every area. I don't view my faith as a spectator sport. I'm in the game the same as anyone else, even if I'm not in the choir or preaching. It's about the people sitting around me, more than the one speaking to me. So I don't buy the sermon excuse.

Arwyn says that she just feels more comfortable there . She said God was telling her to move on. And that is an interesting thing, because God hasn't given me any specific marching orders. I went with her a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel particularly at ease. It really is a fast growing church and so it was very crowded. I felt closed in from all sides from such a throng of people in such a small area. The message was okay.

In the Methodist church, we do have smaller adult Sunday school groups where a body can actually get to know other people better. In this other church, there was no such thing. They have other Bible studies and different support groups but no mechanism for getting to know people on Sunday. And my thing has been being part of the teaching team for our class. I think it's what I've always liked about the Methodist church and have always been a part of the teaching team.

And if God is telling her to move to a different church, why hasn't He said squat to her about our marriage? How does telling her to go to a different place of worship jive with keeping our family together? Perhaps God IS telling us both to move on in different directions. Is that possible? Is it likely? Would God actually facilitate the separation and dissolution of a marriage?

I don't know. It certainly runs counter to all the traditions and teachings that I have ever known. While some churches are more tolerant of divorce than others, I can't say I know of any that are in the business of facilitating amicable separations.

And yet, the reality is that this is where I feel pulled. The house seems too small. My needs are too large. We're nearing a (as in within a couple of years) critical stage where running a separate household might be nearly feasible. Her pulling away to another church is more congruent with that reality than one where we are reconciled. I'm not closing the door on reclaiming the marriage as much as being open to this other possibility. I would not expect God to lead in that direction, but could He?

If Arwyn and I, despite relatively little communication of any sort, have arrived at the same conclusion at the same (roughly) time, could that be interpreted as some sort of Divine sign? Again, this is foreign territory to me.

The lack of sex is a persistent and ongoing thing but it isn't the entire issue or even the most prominent one at the moment. I actually find the spiritual schism is actually the more troubling issue or at least the one that marks a truer depth of difference between us.

Progress?

2006-11-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if it's progress of not, but at least it isn't a set-back.

Arwyn is on her way to meet a friend and then on to the Dave Ramsey Seminar. I really hope she actually goes to it, but I know how she gets with this particular friend.

I really am okay with her getting away on her own more often, especially if it helps put her in a better mood. Seriously, I think a lot of guys would go for this. Why don't we do it more often?

For one thing, Arwyn says she wants a break but in reality she also has trouble letting go of being responsible for the boys. She just feels like she has to be around them all the time and likes to hover around them. I am not a hoverer. We will definitely do some fun stuff but I'm also giving them some time to themselves to play, read, imagine and generally unwind. They are micro-managed so much during the week with school, church activities and tight schedule, it's just nice they have some time for themselves.

Another thing is that I might like to take the boys out to do something fun just me and them plus to give her a break, but she wants to come along, too. Yes, it's nice doing stuff together as a family but then don't complain about never having an "time-off!"

If we seperated and one of us moved out, this would be how it would be. Fact is, things are really, really more relaxed around here when she's not here managing and directing.

I can't believe FTN is not camping by his computer in anticipation of my submission! He's probably out doing his own family thing. Not to worry because my part of the Real blogger World is definitely an abomination, an insult to fiction writers every where and not fit for publication.

It's a good thing my real life provides sufficient drama and suspense to keep readers entertained (if not frustrated).

D.

Still working on it...

2006-11-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

Now I know why I do not write fiction.

I’m working on my post for FTN’s Real Blogger World and I keep running into trouble. I’ve got to keep the sexual heat high while keeping some semblence of modesty or else totally cut loose and make everyone sex crazy. This is not so easily done.

I’m trying to work in a cake, a spanking, a house fire and a chastity miracle. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do while keeping people somewhat in character? Plus I have to figure out a way to keep the sex-starved women from running off with the fire fighters! AARRRRGGHGHH!

I hate fiction. I actually like it when someone else is doing the writing…someone with actual TALENT! I’m glad I live in a world where fact is stranger than fiction much of the time, although you wouldn’t know it by my boring posts and the wacked up story some folks are about to be subjected to.

But this is going to take longer than expected.

Be patient.

Another of A Series of Beer Possts

2006-11-17T00:31:00.000-05:00

I‘m going to interrupt the various celebrations and follies for a bit because there is news that just can not wait.

It’s not news, really.

Well, maybe it is. This is another one of those “beer posts” if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

“Comfortably Numb” definitely.

We have two issues going on here. One that Arwyn and I have agreed on forever and the other one that we have struggled with forever.

Let’s start with the first one, since that one is not as “hot” meaning it isn’t firing me up as much. Arwyn and I met at a single’s group in a Methodist church some 60 miles North of where we live now. Since then, we have sort of stuck with the Methodist even though I am open to nondenominational or more Biblical based churches. However, I have found a place in the church we are in, now. I teach Sunday School and contribute even on Sundays where I don’t teach. Biblical literacy is such an issue with Methodist, you wouldn’t believe it.

Arwyn has decided that she likes another church better and has started to go there. I went with her once, and I have no serious issues with this nondenominational church. It’s okay. But it is run much differently, and it is run from a more authoritarian point of view. It is a rapidly growing church and Thomas and Elmo seem to like it. But I have a place in the Methodist church. One of responsibility. I’m not just shucking that aside because Arwyn has this particular whim. So, I end up in church by myself. Church was one of the last vestiges of togetherness we shared. She’ll still go sometimes, and still takes the boys there for choir practice and still teaches at their preschool. But this is a much more concrete pulling away. So it bothers me at times more than others. But we have not had much of a clash on this yet.

The other issue is money. If you have been following along for any length of time, you will have realized that Arwyn has issues with money, namely she can not live within her means. She is a spendthrift to the point where the stability of the entire family is put at risk by her recklessness. So, about a month ago I told her that Dave Ramsey was coming to Atalnta and would she be interested in seeing him. She said she would and I bought two tickets.

The idea was that I would stay with the boys while she went with one of her friends who live up in that area. But she has gone from warm to cold on the whole idea. She has spoken up numerous times, more and more as we get closer to the time (this Saturday) and it is obvious that this is yet one more time that she is ducking away. She does not want to go. She did the same fucking thing last summer when I suggested counseling. She did the same thing when I wanted to go through the Dr. Phil book. She’ll put it off and off and off and off.

Okay, I am an avoider, yes. But shit on a stick! How the fuck long can a person go on like this? I HAVE tried stuff! She has tried nothing.

Of course, this evening it was not an argument; it was more like a small clash. Like knights who are jousting, we run full on and then whoosh past each other trying to knock the other one down with just one blow. This is not my preferred method of doing combat (I would rather have a lot more slashing and hacking before running away) but I’m going to have to adjust to it. She hits and I might get one shot in before she moves to another room, using the kids as either interference or an excuse.

Stupid games!

Holiday Bird Cooking Tips

2006-11-13T23:41:00.000-05:00

Ah!

I subscribe to O272’s blog and she gave me an idea for a post. I’ve had nothing for quite some time.

Not nothing, I actually have about 3 posts in the can and I think that’s where they are going to stay for now. Mainly because one will simply gather more calls for therapy, another will thrill some and offend others for being excluded and the last one put me to sleep while writing it.

But since I’m supposed to be living with O272 and a few other folks, I thought I might share some of my cooking tips. Well, they are things that I do and you may not like doing things the way I do. But I do.

I was watching Alton Brown on the Food Network in his latest rendition of preparing the perfect fried turkey. Why is fried turkey becoming more and more popular? For one thing, the bird does stay juicier than if you put the thing in the oven. Secondly, frying anything in peanut oil makes it tastier. Finally, it takes less then half the time to cook your bird. So what’s not to like?

Well, there is the whole safety thing which Brown really, really went crazy over. Yes, the turkey fryers are notorious for causing blazing infernos. And splattered boiling oil also does wonders for a person’s skin and complexion. So Brown constructed this turkey frying derrick-like contraption out of rope, a pulley and a step ladder. He also insisted that a person must stay by the burner and baby sit it in the yard the entire time it is turned on, which includes however much time it takes to heat the oil plus the time it takes the bird to cook plus 30 minutes afterwards while the bird rests. So much for the speed factor.

So what do we do at the Jones household?

First off, I’m not feeding 20 people or 10 people or even 5 people. Me, Arwyn, the boys and maybe Arwyn’s mother. The boys are not too fond of roasted birds, although my youngest will eat some. My oldest would rather have PB&J than poultry unless it is battered and fried. So 5-8 pounds is quite enough, which means that a turkey hardly makes sense, anyway. So step one in avoiding the hassle is buying a big chicken instead of paying a premium for a turkey. Think smaller.

That chicken gets washed up, and then I’ll rub her down with lemon pepper and give a sprinkle or two of oregano. Then I stuff her cavity with cinnamon on top of a half apple (core cut out) and a half onion. And now for the real secret to a perfect bird every single time…

The slow cooker aka crockpot. I have a 5 qt crock which is perfect for my bird. But first, I put carrots in the bottom which raises it up a bit. Then the chicken and then assorted veggies (broccoli, okra, green beans, sweet potatoes, onions etc.) of my choice round the outside. If I have room, I’ll wrap several potatoes in foil and put those in, too.

And that’s it. Done. Finito. I do not have to baby-sit that bird anymore, once I turn the cooker on. No calls to the fire department, no complaints about a dry bird, no constructing various buildings, no constantly basting. And with all the veggies and potatoes packed in, I pretty much have the whole meal right there. But if I want more, my oven is not tied up all day.

I’m wondering why more people don’t prepare their holiday birds this way. I’m either on to something or seriously missing something. I’ve done the oven thing, and it is a pain in the ass to get the thing just right so it is cooked all the way without being super dry. I suppose the size of the crockpot is a serious limitation for large gatherings. But surely, 2 or 3 pots seasoned in different ways with different garnishes wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it?

Think there’s room on the Food Network for a crockery guy? Seriously, it is my favorite thing to cook with. Rachael Ray (did anyone else see her compete against that cute Italian chef Giada de Laurentiis on iron chef?) does the 30 minute meals, but many of mine take substantially less than that to prepare.

It does take a bit of preplanning, but not much. It’s just a matter of deciding in advance what you want, and when you want it. One of the hardest things to decide is what to have for dinner/lunch (for some reason, breakfasts are easier). The best time to plan this is before the grocery shopping trip. But many crockery dishes involve just throwing stuff together, like my chicken above. It’s great for generating comfort foods in the winter and for NOT heating the whole house up with the oven in the summer.

I’ll probably do more of this as the holidays go on. It sure beats whining about stuff.

Over-heard Today...

2006-11-07T23:09:00.000-05:00

I have been so busy I have had limited time to read those excellent blogs that often inspire me. And what time I have for writing is being soaked up by the project going on at Unsolicited Advice, of all places! That little place has evolved in a way I hadn’t quite planned but that’s just where I decided to put a particular story…out of the way. It’s not a story that holds broad appeal but it does hold some keys to understanding the story evolving over here. Or DEvolving as the case may be. Actually, we are in a solid holding pattern. No worse certainly and maybe even slightly better. Slightly. I don’t feel a lot of pressure at the moment, which is a good thing.

While watching Family Feud this afternoon (it was job related, I swear!) they had a category where the families had to name the top 6 answers given by a MALE studio audience of things they thought that women could not go a week without doing. For instance, one contestant said shopping, which was one of the top choices. Talking on the phone was another one.

Then there was the woman in her 30’s who said, “Making Love.”

I about spewed my beverage. And I wasn’t even drinking anything at the time.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Even John O’Hurley, the host said it was the stupidest, lame-ass answer he had ever heard. Actually, he didn’t say that, but I’m sure Richard Dawson would have.

Parallel Dimensions

2006-11-04T23:18:00.000-05:00

I have a little something working on Unsolicited Advice that I thought would be just a little interesting side track. And it still looks that way at the moment, but I’m writing faster than I’m posting meaning I know what’s coming up. As it turns out, I’m about to move into a past experience analogous to where I am now. Christian Husband has left a cryptic comment or two, basically enjoining me to discover the meaning behind the journey that I am presently on. Hmm. Now there's a useful bit of prophetic-ness, as he does speak the truth for once in this case. I'm never one for sifting through the past for answers but in this case there might be something buried back there. Perhaps some tool for survival I left back there I can use today.

When in a dark place that looks stagnate, in the spiritual sense nothing could be further from the truth. Just before you sneeze there is a moment when your mouth is wide open, your eyes are shut and you are not breathing. This stagnation could be such a moment, even though it is much longer than a moment but to God, a 100 years could seem like a moment in the span of eternity.

Which makes it a scary moment.

I now realize that I have been here before, sort of. I know this place.

Fiddling and Roasting Marsh Mellows

2006-11-04T00:53:00.000-05:00

I owe Emily a big debt of gratitude for reminding me about the other beer in the fridge. I am SO not used to having beer in the house!

So let us talk as civilized people. Now is a good time to get the beverage of your choice, and indulge.

This blog documents events and thoughts and I very frequently ruminate and consider many things I have not followed through on. Counseling, adultery, prostitution, divorce, assault, battery, suicide, and homicide are just a few of the musings I have presented to you for your edification, entertainment and general pleasure. Some of these are clearly more popular choices than others.

Every one of you with a blog (and even a few without) have gone out there on occasion, fantasized or whined or some such thing and elicited sympathy, disgust, anger and other various emotions. It’s kind of the nature of our little community. I truly do appreciate the emotional investment you all put into my wee space. Know that I tend to get just as wrapped up in you all, as well!

To address a couple of concerns:

F2, I didn’t see your first go ‘round. Welcome to the circus. True, the thing about most choices is that you can not take them back once you act on them. You act, the ripples travel through time and space and things happen for good or ill. You ALL know this. I know this. The ripples cast by my decisions will have faint consequences for each of you, therefore it is incredibly easy for everyone of you to enjoin me to do one thing or another. So the easiest thing to do is not make ripples. Don’t rock the boat. This does not mean that things don’t move and that there are not waves. But *I* am not the one making them!

I have made many choices that were bad. I’ve made a few that were good. T was so much easier making such choices when it was just me, and few others to worry about. Now I have a wife and two kids and none of them are well equipped to cope with anything resembling adversity. Perhaps I am being overly harsh. But Arwyn has much education but no real basic skills. Perseverance is not an easy thing for her. Initiative is even harder for her than for me! Cooking, cleaning, managing her time, space and resources are so difficult for her.

Perhaps this is the true manifestation of my condescending prickishness. I have always been so independent and have been the ultimate survivor. That Hank Williams Jr song about a country boy can survive? I can do all of those, except maybe the home made wine. I learned to hunt, fish, sew, cook, build, dig, plant, grow and generally run and manage things. I look around and I see people who can not do any two of those things. And I think I’m pretty hot shit. But, in the grand scheme of things, I’m really not. As long as people can get stuff at the drive through and Wal-Mart, my skills aren’t worth very much in today’s society.

Where was I?

Oh, addressing a comment or two.

You all bring up good and excellent points from your perspectives. That’s the good thing about this blogging business. I get people who project themselves or their experiences on to me, and then I get the reactions.

And Rob was right. Having been reading CH and SR for as long as I have, I know I would have better luck getting the happy ending from CH than his wife! I didn’t say that was my preference, though!LOL! Plus, rubbing another man’s rhubarb is risky business, made all the more so when he happens to own several guns and kills for sport. Take that any way you like.

Fact is, yes, I am a professing Christian. Yes, I often harbor impure thoughts. Sometimes about some of you. If I were a heathen, perhaps life would be easier. But XH is right about there being some reason or purpose to the whole mess and I haven’t figured it out. If it were punishment, then I could understand that. I’ve done some things where I could be held accountable in this life in exchange for a spot in eternity with God. And that would be a fair trade, and if that’s the case I should quit whining and take my punishment like a man. Think about it; a person sins in such a way that should be rewarded with death but gets a sort of sexless parole for 47 years or so. I get to live like the rest of you, except without the sexual pleasure the rest of you sex bloggers get. At least I have some good memories.

Now I’m wondering why I quit smoking.

Oh yeah, the addiction.

I might as well tack a smoking update on here since the beer has awakened that particular demon:

Satan has implied that it has been easy. Sure, I have not dwelled on it because dwelling on something you are trying to get out of the grip of is not a good thing. For the most part, I do okay. But I have gone back to the ash can on more than one occasion to fish a butt out and light up. There’s never more than 5 puffs, but it seems to be just enough. This is probably a weekly or every other week thing. So I’m not out of the woods by any means. But 5 puffs on 2 weeks; it could be worse. But make no mistake, I am continually being tempted and seduced by the dark side. Satan actually might get a lot of sleep, but her minions and demons are always working me over.

Air-popped popcorn, plain, has replaced the peanuts as my snack of choice. High in fiber, low in calories and satisfies that oral thing I have forever going on. And it is massively cheap. It’s just the perfect thing. Better than sex.

Okay, homemade caramel corn is better than sex, but with more calories.

How would I know? It’s not like I’ve done a side-by-side comparison or a blind study. I wouldn’t mind it though. Wonder if I could get a grant from the NSF or the Arthur P. Vining foundation or run some sort of pledge drive.

No, I am not going to give up complaining about not having sex, despite what I said earlier.

Have I rambled enough?

Okay then…

I wish I had another beer.

Digger's Version of Cruising

2006-11-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

I was reading Always Aroused Girl, the huckster vanilla bean that she is, and she claimed to have had sexual intercourse exactly once this year. I have been reading her since soon after she started her place and I was surprised.

She's had more sex than me this year. For when I went back into my archives I found exactly zero incidents of intercourse this year. In fact, one would be hard pressed to find *any* semblance of sex after January. My "Days Without Sex" counter is somewhere around 300. Some sex blogger *I* am!

I know, I know. Time to go to therapy. Time to see a counselor. Time to talk to the pastor. Time to get professional help...

Fuck you. (say hello to my prickishness)

Actually, that's not a bad idea. Not the fucking you part, although for many of you that is also a swell idea...

I mean professional help. But I'm not talking about shrinks, therapists or counselors. Oh no. I'm talking about professionals who may be able to more directly scratch my itch. While AAG was cruising Craigslist, I was also looking around various lists. But I'm not looking for someone to have a relationship with.

I think I would like a massage. No offense to Summer Rose, who I am sure is very skilled at her craft, but I'm looking for a happier ending than she is used to giving her clients. If Summer were in that sort of business, CH could probably retire after a couple years!LOL!

I mean, I would like the sort of massage Summer gives out, but I'm just going to come out and say that if she is doing it right, every male client she has is going to be sporting some wood at some point. And how can one allow a client to leave with so much tension in one muscle when it's so easy to give relief?

I'll get blasted for it, but this is just a byproduct of living in a state of involuntary celibacy. Not that I would actually do it...more than once.

There seems to be a couple of types of providers of this unique service. The Asian type seems to be the most straight forward and economical. You're in and out, as long as you're not there when they get busted. Then we have a more expensive version offering the GFE - the Girl Friend Experience. Notice that NONE of the women in ANY of these ads are offering the WE - Wife Experience. This is because most of us already have the Wife Experience and if it were so great we would never have to look for the GFE. The W.E. sucks.This is very good for those offering GFE, since they charge a premium for it. $200-300/hr is not uncommon.

After looking at the offerings, I'm partial to the body-on-body variety. This sounds like just the thing for a skin-to-skin starved guy.

I'm trying to be okay with giving Arwyn her space. She's the one who withdrew. She's the one who insisted upon this trajectory.

Hmm. Maybe I'll go and have ANOTHER beer.

From Aural Sex to Oral Sex: How Distraction Helps.

2006-10-26T19:58:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for the "Happy Birthdays" and comments; you are all entirely too kind! The least I can do is return the favor by opening up a thoughtful topic relating to gratuitous sex. Mainly Oral sex, which everyone always enjoys talking about, even if many of us aren't actually having it.

I'm swinging 'round to look a bit closer at the discussion So Gone had going on at her place. The one where she confessed not really liking oral sex. But just to lighten the load a bit off of her shoulders, I can actually identify with it. I identify with it a lot.

Of course, there is an absolutely miniscule chance in hell that will ever be an issue in my marriage. However, I did have one relationship with a woman who absolutely loved to suck cock. It was her favorite thing to do. She always worked that in to every sexual encounter we ever had. I really really liked her enthusiasm, but blowjobs were not the big thrill for me that it is for most guys. It was really nice, but getting off from just her mouth was about impossible.

Like So Gone, while I enjoyed the sensations, I just didn't feel right about just laying there. Of course, this was 15 years ago, so I wasn't as far into my own headspace as I am today. I really could not let go and just enjoy the whole thing. I wanted to reciprocate immediately. The only time I actually got off was when she was on top and we were 69ing. And that was truly awesome beyond words because she did swallow and did play all the way through. At least I got to experience this one time in my all-too-brief sex life.

Fast foreword to my recent description of receiving handjobs from my wife. I do get off simply by getting to a spot in my own head, but this was not always the case. Fact is, Arwyn has trained me to be very selfish and very quick. It wasn't that long ago that getting off from her handjobs were a bit challenging. The same dynamic interfered as did way back with getting head. Well, actually it was a BIT different, considering the clinical nature of Arwyn's procedure, but it still involved me having too many interfering thoughts. Imean, it really is just friction, right?

And it was reading comments left on So Gone's post that I had flashbacks and the light bulb went off. Fact is, if my thoughts are interfering or getting in the way it is difficult to keep it up much less get off. Men typically have an easier time focusing on just one thing, compartmentalizing and otherwise shutting out distractions. Women, OTOH, have a much more difficult time filtering and limiting because of the whole business of multitasking. What’s more, focusing on self interest or pleasure runs counter to what women typically are taught to do. They are much better at luxuriating in guilt than pleasure. In fact, the two often go together.

So during sessions where it didn't look like I was getting anywhere, I would ask Arwyn to talk while she was stroking me. This gave me something external to focus on, aside from her stimulating my cock. The cool thing about this was that it kept me from trying too hard. For me at least, if I'm reaching or struggling to reach an orgasm and using too much mental effort in it, it actually gets further away. Instead of mentally straining to get off, I do much better when the wave crests on its own, I give in to it, and it takes me over without having to work so hard for it. This is why these super mundane conversations about baby diapers or the neighbors or the weather resulted in some rather strong orgasms. It's because I was not reaching for them; they reached for me and ambushed me. I was blindsided and bushwhacked by my own orgasm. Having a ballgame on TV has also been good for a distraction and keeps me from being held hostage by my own hyperactive thinking.

I have the ability to focus and I'm not much for multitasking the same way many women like to do it. So I was fascinated by women who claimed to suffer from some of the same compulsions and have similar ways of dealing. In the case of oral sex, 69 gave me something else to focus on while I was being worked on, similar to talking while getting a handjob.

Having said all of this, I have heard many women explain and complain that they need all their faculties to concentrate. They don't want to be distracted in any way at all, which is why they don't like 69ing. I understand some distractions being terribly detrimental, like crying babies, fighting kids, ringing phones, tornadoes, howling wolves or someone trying to hack through your door with an axe. These can break your stride and put a crimp on your style. But when it comes to things like talking, wouldn't that be an extra source of feedback for a partner? Couldn't you tell if you were doing something that was starting to distract them from the conversation? And wouldn't that sort of be the point?

I'm trying to imagine what such an encounter might look like with more mutual activities with Arwyn. It's difficult to even imagine her losing control much less giving in to it. She is even less talkative than me, not giving me much feedback at all as far as her enjoyment. Perhaps this is a good thing, if she feels more at all like Dewdrop about it.

I noticed a couple of noteworthy follow-ups to vocalizations here and here. I expect a great deal more on this one, this being about ORAL SEX and all. Take note, FTN.

Happy Birthday to me!

2006-10-25T01:22:00.000-04:00

Satan was, indeed, correct about it being my birthday. But where she got the adjective "glorious" to describe this day is entirely anyone's guess. She, of all people, should recognize that my birthdays have never been much in the way of stellar. Or mediocre. Or even sub-average. At least not in the last 10 years.

Arwyn subscribes to the LL view that just because it is (insert momentous occasion here), don't go assuming that there will be sex. In fact, it is far safer and less frustrating to assume there WILL NOT be sex. We would not want to cultivate anything resembling an attitude of entitlement, now would we?

This morning, I was greeted by my wife snaking her hands down my shorts and firmly grasping my morning erection. She whispered "Good morning” before tonguing my ear and draping a naked leg over me. After pulling my shorts down and off, she mounted me and whispered "Happy Birthday!"

"It definitely is now!" I half groan, quickly becoming more alert and my breathing quickly becoming jagged as she rocked her hips slowly, grinding me deeper into her.

Oh wait. That was a dream!

In reality, I was greeted to "Happy Birthdays" by Arwyn and the boys, but they were all in a rush to get to work and school. There was the goodbye/good morning kiss as Arwyn had already showered and dressed before I even woke up. It was a good dream.

Once at work, I was up to my eyeballs, with a brief acknowledgement of the day by my department and some co-workers but otherwise nothing too spectacular. No parties or anything like that, which would have just been embarrassing. It was a day where I was glad when it was over.

The boys were excited, mostly about getting to eat birthday cake and blowing out candles. They presented me with a new silk tie and some hand made cards that I'll have to find a special place for.

After dinner, the boys were bathed, put in bed and then Arwyn ran to the store for milk. Then she spent time on the computer while I read a few blogs. Then my dad called to whish me a happy birthday and we talked for a couple of hours. By this time, Arwyn is long asleep.

Emily had asked about accepting a sort of servicing deal like she has going on, basically consisting of a handjob administered in a loving, sensual fashion. Fact is, I would do that and have subsisted on that sort of sexual diet before, only a much, much leaner version. Emily's version of the encounter would be extravagant by comparison!

The reason I have not gone for the handjob these past 10 months is because they have become exercises in humiliation instead of some loving compromise or accommodation. I've asked Arwyn to at least strip down to her underwear for these sessions and she has refused. It is extraordinarily difficult being vulnerable around someone who is so unwilling to offer anything of the like from themselves.

In addition to insisting on being fully clothed, she has to have the towel right there. There is never any lubrication used. It goes thus:

I ask her if she could use her hands on me. This having to ask basically makes it all about me getting off, bereft of love or compassion. My thought is that she might do this just because she knows I enjoy it. But no. I feel like a chore.

She asks if I have the towel. It is up to me to obtain the hand towel and have it ready. She may assist in pulling my underwear off, but I had better otherwise be undressed and ready to go.

Once I am completely naked (and she is not even partially naked) she will lay with her head on my chest in a more conventional cuddle position, and begin stroking me. She has laid the towel out beneath my erect cock so it is ready to catch any offending fluids. Her strokes are quite purposeful and she is all about her task. She goes straight for getting me off. It usually doesn't take very long as she has sort of trained me for getting off as fast as possible. She used to complain about how tired her hands were getting or her sore wrists. And it was true she had severe carpel tunnel before getting surgery a couple years ago. Her handjobs were actually a bit better then, because she would rest frequently which enabled me to ride the roller coaster longer. But she would quit if I took too long.

So she is stroking away. Sometimes she might watch TV but most times there is no sound or light save my own breathing which is becoming more shallow and ragged. When she feels me getting close she folds the towel up so that her hand and my cock are completely enclosed and she quickens her pace until I explode. My orgasms from her hands are quite strong, and she does "play through" by continuing to stroke me even past the point where it is pleasurable. I reach down to slow her furious strokes and she subsides and stops. She may keep her grip for a minute or two, and then wipe her hand off on the towel before going to the bathroom to scrub with soap and water. I am left to clean up with the towel before putting my shorts back on.

There is not a lot of talking before or after. At one point in our handjob sex life, we actually did talk during the procedure. It was often interesting because we would talk about mundane things while she was stroking me. The more mundane, the better as far as I was concerned. It could have helped me last longer except that the sound of her voice combined with the rasping, gasping of my own voice and breathing was such a turn-on for me!

Yeah, I get off on my own breathing.

When replaying the faded mental sexual tapes of past lovers, the breathing is one of the most vivid and erotic memories I have. I adore the sounds of a woman getting turned on and losing control. I truly miss the sound of a women getting aroused under my touch. Just the sound of her arousal might send me over the edge.

Arwyn rarely gives any auditory feedback. And I'm not a real vocal lover, myself. But talking pulls the curtain back and a body can hear the breathing become more shallow as arousal deepens. You can hear the quivers and the trembling in the voice that could otherwise be hidden in silence. So Gone often writes about how she enjoys talking during sex, or at least when her partner talks. It's something I have only recently discovered, myself and I do think it is good to regulate the pace and flow of things. For me, the conversation does not have to be sexual or even intimate. Intimacy helps, but sex makes any conversation more palatable!LOL!

Getting back to wherever I was...

Where was I?

I could go for handjobs as the primary part of my sexual diet, but some effort needs to be expended to make the experience less humiliating and at the very least, more fun. I would like, Arwyn to find the time and effort worth while in some aspect. I would definitely like these sessions to last longer than 3-5 minutes. I would like more intimacy and some efforts at being more vulnerable. I'd like to not feel like a sexual pervert. As it is, I get off and then have all the emotional shit left over afterwards and it isn't worth it. It's a hell of a lot less effort, trouble and drama to get myself off and it seems that's the way she prefers it.

I have no idea if it addresses any questions, but I think it turned out to be a pretty hot post.

It's All Emily's Fault, You Know

2006-10-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, once again I am stringing my blogs together to go at an issue from different sides. I started out on my Wordpress blog discussing physical suffering and that transmogrified into something else entirely. Meanwhile, on Unsolicited Advice I started out talking about suffering and then that became something else, too. Which only goes to show how the process of writing evolves.

Now, whenever I talk about evolving and evolution, I have a handy link to use. Thanks FTN!

So what am I adding to my own discussion, here? Well, it just so happens that this all came about because of something Emily wrote at her place. That got me thinking about suffering. Once I began thinking about suffering and Emily, and Emily's comment, it all started coming together.

Emily is the source of all of my suffering!

In the movie (based on a true story) A Beautiful Mind Russell Crowe plays a brilliant mathematician, John Nash, who does end up winning a Nobel Prize. The audience gets half way through the movie before they realize that half of the main characters are figments of Nash's imagination! So many of the things that seem to have happened, did not. He has a mental illness that incapacitates him, despite his own brilliance.

Emily is sort of like one of those imaginary characters. Yes, I know she does in fact exist and there is a real, intelligent, sensitive person behind that keyboard. But it is not a fair reflection of reality.

In my mind, I can imagine a life with an Emily. Someone intelligent, passionate, a bit compulsive, sexually adventurous, warm, insightful, spiritual...all things gleaned from her writing. Then I fill in the gaps, and now she looks like Jennifer Connelly (I look like Russell Crowe, coincidentally) and suddenly this imaginary world is more enticing and more exciting. I would rather live in that place than where I really am. I become seduced by it and eventually ruled.

Arwyn can not compare to Emily. I can't have the discussions with her that I have with Emily. Emily cooks more and better than Arwyn. She's more passionate than Arwyn. She's more available than Arwyn. She's smarter than Arwyn.

Is it true?

When you argue with reality, you lose - - But only 100% of the time...

When dealing with reality, that's the first of several questions. Of course it IS true! All of it!

Do you know with 100% certainty that it is true?

There are very few beliefs that can stand up to this sort of examination. Even some that are mostly true will crumple under the burden of this one question. But it isn't sufficient to abandon the belief, yet. Okay, so Emily may not look exactly like Nicole Kidman. She may not be Rachel Ray. But that doesn't mean I have to give up the fantasy, does it? Only depending on the answer to the next question...

How does this belief (or these beliefs) make you feel when you think them?

Ummm, okay. If thinking fond things about Emily makes me think of less than fond things of Arwyn (who I am bound to and live with) then we may have a problem. If I feel angry and resentful, then I may want to re-examine the truth of it, which is the first two questions. And the next one...

How would it feel if I were not thinking these thoughts or unable to think these thoughts?

Would I be less resentful? Would I feel better? Would I quit comparing and deal with the reality?

The next step in inquirery is to take a statement or belief and turn it around. I didn't start out with a very good statement, so my process is falling apart here. This illustrates why it is important to write beliefs and statements down because the mind is such a treacherous thing. It will dodge and avoid and get slippery and squish out of your mental grasp. A written statement is nailed in place and can not run away. Then reversing it is easier.

The implication behind my initial statement "Emily can cook more and better than Arwyn" is that Arwyn should cook more.

Is that true? Should Arwyn really cook more? Well, in my mind I think so, because why should *I* do all the cooking? I work more days and longer hours. Why shouldn't she?

Do I know with certainty it is true? Well, no. No one knows anything with absolute certainty.

How does it make me feel when I think Arwyn should cook more? It makes me feel resentful! I feel a bit angry and put off, even neglected! So what if I was unable to think that thought?

Well, hmm. I guess I wouldn't feel that sense of entitlement. And not so resentful. And not so mean.

Okay, now I can turn this statement around in two ways:

"Arwyn should NOT cook more." I simply take my statement and reverse it so it means the opposite. Then evaluate THAT with the same for questions:

Is "Arwyn should NOT cook more" at least as true as my first statement? Um. I am free to say no. But what is the reality? The reality is that Arwyn does very little cooking. That's reality. The problem is that my belief is in conflict with reality. That's why I feel so bad about it. For whatever reason, Arwyn is being Arwyn by not cooking. She is who she is. I can turn this statement another way by making me the object instead of Arwyn:

"*I* should cook more"

Is it true? Well, it has the virtue of being congruent with reality. I am not saying I feel any better about that one than the first one. But the reality is that I am a better cook than Arwyn. I can cook better, faster and more economically and more nutritiously. She just can't do it. SHOULD she? No. Again, she is who she is.

So working through issue-by-issue, I can put some false beliefs to rest and dispute them. But they do come back. I have to go through the process more than once on especially stubborn ideas.

The title of this blog is partially derived from Byron Katie's work and technique, which is dealing with suffering by getting in tune with reality. Albert Ellis is considered the founder of therapy which is related most closely to Katie's work. He said that human minds are predisposed to flights of fancy, illogical thinking, overgeneralizations, jumping to conclusions, haphazard observations and making false attributions.

Actually, what he said was, and this is an exact quote, "People are fucking nuts!"

I think I might be on to something.

BTW, I'm picking a bit on Emily, but every woman on my blogroll (and those of you NOT on my blogroll) has been the object of some degree of desire, envy, want and lust at some point in time. Emily is just happens to be close at hand at the moment to symbolize the various mental flings I've had with all of you female readers and writers. As for the guys, there are many, many of you who I might want to BE at one time or another. While I want nothing to do with Dodger's decades of celibacy, sometimes I might like to a switch when he's with Lady L, or maybe be Christain Husband when he is...well...you know. Actually, most guys on my blogroll have had it rough at various times. I just want the GOOD times!LOL!

Hopefully this has been worth reading. The entire series came close to being shit-canned because I was afraid it might be too depressing.

Byron Katie's Blog

Writing right into a funk

2006-10-13T00:59:00.000-04:00

I love my wife, but lately I feel like living with her is killing me. Really. I’m not quite where Dewdrop was in a post of hers, but close enough. I’m a person who thrives off of affection, especially of the adult, reciprocal physical variety. And I am getting nothing here. Zilch. Since giving up smoking, blogging has become a primary outlet but I’m not sure I do that good of a job of venting here. It is certainly no substitute for the whole cuddling/holding/hugging one-flesh thing I so crave.

Not that there’s anything to it, but I do seem to have the whole scorpio thing going. And I am not a very happy little pincher. I am sure I am not being remotely romantic enough for Arwyn to even consider having anything like physical affection for me.

I’ve started another, longer post on the subject and am not sure what I’ll do with it as it takes turns I’d rather not take. But I do see my mortality, and I am more okay with it than maybe I ought to be. So, yeah, I am closer to Dewdrop (even though from opposite ends of this) in that way. If God wants me, He knows where to find me. I’d like to be there for my boys as they grow up but I’m willing to submit to God’s superior care and judgement in such things. I’m also willing to stay if that is what I’m supposed to be doing. No problems there, except I am not very happy and certainly not thriving here.

Unlike Dewdrop, I could see myself thriving in a certain type of marriage, but maybe I’m just more naive than she is. Maybe I’m just dreaming. I think my attitude has more to do with it than anything and right now, it is kind of crappy. Like Emily, I long for so many other things:

- Someone capable of paying her own bills

- Someone just a bit more organized

- Someone just a bit more romantic

- someone who can do a bit more cooking

- Somone who would be happy with a bit more loving

- Someone who appreciated my oral fixation for the potential it holds

-Someone with a bit more sensuality

I don’t excel at any of those things (except the oral fixation, and I do need more practice) but I have SOME limited capacity in each. Arwyn has little to none with less interest in developing these. Like some of the women I read, I feel like I very much am supporting and nurtering another dependent who has more in common with the children than an independent adult. I am okay doing things for her much of the time. Cooking; okay. Paying bills; okay. Holding a job; okay. But I need to be lifted now and then and supported now and then in my own way. And I do not feel supported. I feel undermined. I feel abandoned. I feel like I carry all of the responsibility with few benefits.

My days on this earth are numbered and as morbid as it sounds, I am glad of it. I will do the best I can for as long as I can while I am here. I’ll make the best of it. But Earth has not been a happy place for me. I may yet change my mind but at this point in time, I’m not taking extraordinary steps to cling to it. I’ll stay fot enough to do what must be done. I will do my duty and perform with honor. It may sound pathetic, but I’m just going to vent my spleen here for a bit. I commented awhile back on Emily’s blog about suffering and I’m still mulling over a post on that subject.

To my mind, Earth was created for people but people have ruined it. We have shit our own nest, as it were. There is no way Earth can ever be anyting other than a hellish place simply because it is infested with too many of US! Petty, whining, petulant, selfish beings. I do not like this side of myself by any means. But it’s there, and it exists in all of us. Being bound in the mortal coil, to me, is not the final ting. I look forward to a Heavenly existance free of selfishness and want. I don’t want to want. I don’t want to need. But I do. Starvation is not a pretty way to go, but I have heard it said from those who might know that the body begins to shut down and cut itself off from actual pain and suffering. In the case of Terry Schaivo, she may have not suffered so much and I pray she did not. That does not make starving another human being a humane thing to do, though.

My Birthday is in 11 days. Each year I look forward to it less and less as the past ones get worse and worse. Take a look at the archive if you don’t believe me.

Snagged

2006-10-05T19:27:00.000-04:00

I'd like to follow up on all of your wonderful comments to the last post BUT...

Emily snagged me with a meme that I'm too lazy to dig out of the archives. I think I'm supposed to say 9 things about me and then snag a bunch of other people. I'll have to think about who gets snagged.

At least it's only 9 things.

1. Back when I was in 6th grade I was tested for special education services. Mom hoped they would find something, but they didn't. I was just being lazy and oppositional.

2. Mom taught me to play chess when I was 5 years old. Last time I played her when I was in college, she was still able to beat me.

3. I retain my connection to my farm roots by gardening. The greatest thing about zone 7 is being able to garden year round! Right now, it's time for collards, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cabbage and garlic. I'm trying kohlrabi for the first time.

4. I'm also a fair-to-middling cook. I've recently been experimenting with homemade versions of junk food. Right now I'm working on some form of oven baked chicken nuggets I can freeze. Did you know that crushed Cheerios make a decent coating?

5. I also do all of the grocery shopping. Than means that about the only thing Arwyn does with food is eat it and sometimes the dishes.

6. I have a thing for redheads. I wish I would have spent more of my misspent youth exploring this.

7. I am totally all about being oral. I chew on anything. My fingernails (I can't reach my toes), pens, pencils, the stylus for my PDA (I'm on my third) paperclips, bits of string, grass, seeds, the frames of my glasses, small toys...I don't think I've chewed on shoes, but have worked over bits of leather. Obviously I can't really chew things made of metal or glass, but I'll mouth it and work it around with my tongue. Yes ladies, I would absolutely lurve to have someone who would consent to being my own private mouth toy. Toes to ears and everything in between! In an absolutely cruel twist of fate I am married to someone who is the most tongue/mouth-phobic person I have ever met.

8. My favorite PBS Kids shows are Cyberchase and Arthur. I think Muffy is kind of hot.

9. My current computer passion is War of the Ring which is not the EA movie version. I like this genre of game as I never got into the whole Doom type of game. It just looked stupid to me walking around and just shooting stuff. In high school, I did like Battlezone and Galaga. The Sims was cool once I found the naked skins, which I've since lost.

Okay, snagging other people. I have no idea who has and who has not been snagged. So I'm going to hook you, you, you, you, you and you (of course). I'm not leaving snagging comments, so that if you don't feel like doing it, you can politely ignore me and we can just move on. But know I only picked you because you are cared about and loved.

What day are we on?

2006-10-04T10:18:00.000-04:00

I've totally lost track of the days! Where are we at, exactly?

As far as I can tell, I am at the 2 week mark. This means I'll be free irregardless in about a week. Something to really look forward to! And it's good to have something to look forward to. I'm actually doing pretty well, considering we are approaching a new personal record, which I think stood at 15 days prior to now. Being able to mentally prepare does help with the endurance. I'm not sure I'll ever want to go that long again, though.

I intended on posting a new blog poll to see if the readership might prevail upon Satan to give me a pardon, but the two main blog polling programs I've been using have not been working. It's nice that she's enjoying holding the key and the extra attention. I suppose there is some satisfaction in the "I could if I wanted" mindset. The power to release or withhold release. It's a lot like the power a LL person has, isn't it? If they want sex they can have it, but it is possible to just enjoy the power of keeping the figurative key in the pocket. This might be why they resent any notion of cheating or letting the partner get release from someone else. Suddenly they check their pocket and the key isn't there! The power is gone!

I know that it's more complicated than that. Adultery involves a betrayal of the most personal kind. However, sexual rejection is rejection of the most personal sort. For some reason, our LL partners do not seem to make this connection. C-Mari e recently pointed out that she had brought up the idea of getting satisfaction elsewhere to her husband, and he hit the roof and rejected the idea outright. Other spouses have reacted in a similar ways.

I actually did approach Arwyn on the subject years ago. I asked her what she would think if I went elsewhere. She said that it would basically mean the end of sex together. However, it appears it is dying anyway. Would getting sexual satisfaction outside the marriage have to mean the end of the marriage? In Arwyn's case, it may not be although it would certainly dash any hopes for intimacy. But she is simply unable to take care of herself and/or the boys. She has no concept of scarcity when it comes to money, space or time. No matter how much I have, it is never enough. We're destined for food stamps and government housing if she has her way.

I'll say one more thing about the cheating business here. It's the type of thing where a body has a right I suppose. But it is the sort genie that can not be put back into the bottle. It does change everything, or at least the perception of things. I really do not necessarily blame people attached to LL partners for going elsewhere. I totally get it. Lord knows, I have considered it more than once. A day. I'm as vulnerable as the next person. But if I did it would turn the situation totally around where instead of Arwyn being unfaithful in spirit, I become unfaithful in fact.

I wish Arwyn would just find somebody for me. She's had a couple of HL friends who have complained about being in need of some extra attention. But she knows what I know; that physical attention builds powerful emotional bonds that are not easily separated. You would think if she wanted that sort of intimacy for herself, she'd want to go at it herself just to build and strengthen the pair bond.

Yes, we have more problems than just sex. Sex is a symptom of more serious problems. But it can also be a medicine that treats wounds as well.

Scatterbrained

2006-09-30T19:13:00.000-04:00

09/28/2006

Okay, I'm not as overtly horny...I don't think. But I do have a shorter fuse from rest to arousal and it takes a little longer to settle down. It's as if it is just below the surface and once things get going, the squeeze of the cage begins its own feedback loop.

And if I didn't know any better, I'd swear Christian Husband is in league with Satan!LOL! I don't know what it is, but the guy sure can write hot post if he puts his mind to it!

I've been breaking from blogging just because the fall weather has beckoned me outside and doing other RL activities. I'd much rather be fucking than any of these other activities, but Arwyn shows no inclination. However she does tolerate a bit more hugging and kissing than she has the past few months. But there is nothing particularly hot to report. I wish there was, but there isn't. So I'll just write all scatterbrained-like.

I've been locked up for about 10 days, now. I am really, really looking forward to getting out of this thing! It's getting into the "This is kind of fun, but it's also a pain in the ass" stage.

Satan revealed that being a keyholder actually intensified her need for attention, which I found really interesting. I would not have predicted that outcome, but this is new territory for me, as well. This was not at all true for Arwyn. In fact, the extra attention she got seemed to bother and annoy her more than anything. But this could be part of the HL/LL difference. Some have made a case that there are no real differences between the two, but this is fairly clear evidence that there is. Those of us on the HL side often get accused of wanting more the more we get. We are accused of being insatiable. To a LL person, the HL is insatiable, because they can not possibly muster enough energy and effort to reach HL levels of satiation.

Satan seems to be on the higher level of desire, so being a keyholder merely primes the pump as far as her need and desire for attention. And make no mistake about it, whether I mention it or not, my (blogger) eye is absolutely FIXED upon her, and everything she writes on her blog, every comment she writes on mine and whatever other comments of hers I happen to come across. Just thinking about thinking about her makes things feel a bit confining, if you get my meaning. But I expected that, and have actually worked on minimizing that somewhat. I mean I COULD maybe spend much, much more time writing about Satan, the blogger, and my growing fixation with her facilitated by the fact that she has the key to my cock in her mental pocket. I'm not sure how that would be greeted as I suddenly turn into some sort of stalker pervert. Do not mistake relative silence on the matter for lack of intensity. It's there.

I'll be posting a new poll as soon as blogpoll decides to behave. I mean I think I've done my time pretty decently, don't you?

Moods and Comfort

2006-09-26T19:43:00.000-04:00

The past week, I’ve written about the ramping up of the cage and its effects. In fact that’s the typical pattern, where I ramp up for several days and then I begin looking forward to release. There is generally an energizing effect in all of this. But with longterm lock-up, with some level of uncertainty there is another mood that creeps in after several days. It’s not exactly sexual arousal, but there is a link there.

Sexual release in whatever form is a source of fun, amusement and excitement. It is also a source of comfort. I remember now where that draw to Arwyn truly comes from. It is deeper than simply getting aroused and wanting to get off. It comes from the human need for human contact and comfort. The need for attention.

For Satan or anyone else contemplating getting such a device this is a real consideration. This is precisely the thing that women either really like or really dislike about chastity. This neediness that appears comes from that need for comfort. I’m thinking this might be true for those who might not be masturbating without a device as well. Being locked up may just push it along quicker. Some women may really like all the physical attention where it is not a prelude for sex. Some women may find it annoying.

Arwyn sort of likes it but within an exceedingly narrow spectrum. This phase really kicked in yesterday afternoon. A sort of meloncholy washed over me when I got home from work. Her and the boys were at a therapy appointment which meant I was home alone for a bit. This would normally be prime time for some self-pleasure and would have lifted me right out of the funk. But nothing doing now. The extra key is locked in the trunk of her car! And of course, the ever alluring and tempting Satan has the other key. Perhaps if I begin begging now...

Fortunately, her and the boys were home very shortly after I got home and for the first time in awhile I gave Arwyn a hug and a mini-back rub. Once more later in the evening and again this moring. I just craved her physical touch. It wasn’t so much about sex as about comfort. I’m definitely in a deeper space today than even a couple days ago. Getting myself off was a source of comfort of a sort. It was the place I could go for my own self.

So now the focus shifts away from myself towards getting comfort from someone else. While it isn’t sex, per se, there is a sexual component to it. It’s not something I can get from my kids, nor should I. But that is the well I think Arwyn and many women draw from for their physucal and emotional comfort when their spouses are either not available or not wanted. They use the kids as a surrogate relationship to the exclusion of reciprocal adult intimacies.

And us men tend to turn inward to ourselves.

Hmmm. Okay, I’m going stop here for now and think about this some more to decide if this line of thought is worth pursuing. I am sleeping better through the night. While waking up, I’m not necessarily being driven out of bed by the jagged pain of the erections. They are either becoming less or I’m aclimating!

Thoughts on D/s

2006-09-25T21:47:00.000-04:00

Cinnimon, of all people, is ruminating about D/s, specifically the power exchange aspect of it and wonders, “why?” It’s not as if there isn’t enough variety in vanilla sex. Why are some people attracted to a dominant or submissive role? A while back some guys on the chastity listserve covered this, and a good number responded by saying “Who cares? Just enjoy it!”

And for many, this is a perfectly legitimate response. In fact, a sub might be better off if they just go with their feelings rather than thinking too much. But some of us are unable to shut off our brains like that. Although one of the hallmarks of being in subspace is pushing most thoughts out and giving in to the sensations without analyzing.

So, I’ll share a few of my thoughts on domspace and subspace. First off, I need to say I am not a very good sub. Seriously. And over analyzing might be the reason for my poor performance as a sub. Or perhaps because my wife isn’t remotely like a domina. But I don’t think it is fair to blame her for my shortcomings as a sub.

Subspace to me, is getting out of a body’s head and into the feelings of the moment. It is surrendering and giving over control. And Cinn is correct in her assumption that it does involve a relatively high level of trust. If I want to get into subspace, I need to get past my head and let myself be taken over by the sensations of being dominated.

However…

The only reason I’m able to do that is because I’m giving myself over to someone I trust; me. At one time it might have been Arwyn but even then I couldn’t get lost in it. I was still thinking too much. So those folks I cited above were actually closer to it by not worrying about why. In fact, sex is all about getting lost in the moment.

Domspace is a bit more cerebral, but not much. It still involves getting lost in the moment. But it involves a bit more action, planning, imagination and being in tune with the one being dominated. While a sub, during a scene, can surrender and concentrate on self, the person doing the dominating needs to be observant of the sub’s reactions and responses. And getting in tune with those responses is where the appeal lies. Breathing, sweat, noises, twitches, flinches, and squirming around are all sources of feedback for a dom. And domspace involves feeding off of that feedback. So in one one sense, being a sub involves being in tune with your own feedback. There’s an intricate dance between the two partners, one providing one kind of sensory input which gets translated into something more intimate.

Thing is, I am not really into dominant women. Really and truly I am drawn towards women who have a more submissive nature. However, there is a sort of fantasy of having a quiet, demure woman get turned on in the bedroom and become more assertive. But this sort of dynamic does not seem to occur often. The sort of women 8 am attracted to are not terribly assertive in many areas. Arwyn is a case in point, where she neither takes the initiative nor does she willingly accept initiative taken by me. Which means the trust probably isn’t there.

And this is why I am not probably ever going to be a very good submissive. I have the capacity to give up some control and power, but it is measured and limited. I am somewhat keen to explore more, but I can not say that I am into the whole spanking, sissy boy, humiliation, painslut scene. I flat-out don’t like pushy women or domineering women. While it might seem Arwyn dominates me, she really does not. But neither does she respond well to being dominated. Which begs the question: Why does there have to be any power exchange at all? Can’t it just be shared?

I’m willing to do that, but the concept of equitable sharing is simply not there with Arwyn. I like how Christian Husband recently described a sort of feedback loop where the couple feeds off of each other’s goodwill and pleasure. However, like his wife, Arwyn does not see things that way. She expects things to be provided and done no matter what the feelings while not wanting any expectations of reciprocation placed on her part. I am expected to provide while I am allowed to expect nothing in return.

And this is what brings many of us into power exchange. Even if we may not necessarily be good subs, it is preferable to have a more explicit arrangement. Since you’re going to be determining when, if, how and where we have sex, why not go ahead and have me wear a cock cage to reinforce this arrrangement?

Because then it would actually shift responsibility entirely and explicitly to where it belongs: the one who is doing the dictating. But she wants to dictate without really having the label of dictator.

Okay, back to D/s…

By letting Satan hold the key, I get a chance to at least get a small taste of the power exchange with someone else who is keen to explore the other side of it. I get to see what it might be like having someone who might actually devote a bit of time towards thinking about the state of my caged member and not label me a wierd pervert. I can let go just a bit. I don’t have to work so hard domming myself.

The appeal to me has always been in the contradictions. I can feel pleasure and pain at the same time. Anticipation and frustration join together to produce a different sort of pleasure. It’s so much a part of being in my head while losing my head. I want in and I want out at the same time. That’s what it has always been about for me, where my mind and body are stretched and tested just a bit. Having you all along for the ride makes the trip a lot less lonely! So thanks for reading and letting me share.

Hopefully I haven’t totally messed up the topic!

Night #4

2006-09-24T16:59:00.000-04:00

Last night I was up until about midnight blogging which is a no-no while locked up. Mainly because I get woken up more and more as the night progresses as I’m locked in longer. It’s the downside of being in the mental sweet spot.

Cagedone’s comment about things being fairly rough the first week matches my own experiences. The night time erections pull, pinch and strain against the cage fiercely. There are generally three ways to deal with these things. One is to go sit down for a pee. This relieves a lot of the pressure and is generally my method of choice because I seem to get back to sleep faster this way. Another way to relieve erectile pressure is to just walk around for a bit. This takes a bit longer than taking a piss but is generally a quieter less messy way of getting an erection settled down. Walking to the refrigerator to get ice or a cold wash clothe can speed things along.

However, I have found another way to deal with these things where I can stay in bed without just suffering through it. It involves sleeping with the Aneros inserted. A night time erection puts pressure everywhere (which is what makes it so uncomfortable) but with the Aneros inserted, the edge is taken off by my prostate getting some stimulation. I’m still getting awakened, but I can flex my PC muscles and actually leverage that erectile tension into something slightly more pleasurable. The erection does pass, but it’s not driving me out of bed in the meantime.

So now I’m in that stage where I can mentally hold on to a lot more arousal. I’ll probably wake up 4-5 times tonight, but I get more of a charge during the day, too. So I’m actually getting in to and adjusting to subspace. I start making breakfast in the morning and doing more chores around the house. If it were Arwyn holding the keys instead of Satan, the floors would be vacuumed, swept and mopped! As it is, she is still benefiting quite a lot.

However, Arwyn is NOT playing along. We haven’t talked about the cage since around last Christmas when the keys were given to her as part of her holiday scavenger hunt. And back then, she basically said she wanted nothing whatsoever to do with the cage. No key holding or anything. It was too much pressure and responsibility. I have honored her request that I carry on, if I must, without her. She knows about the Timelock and I set it up where she can check it anytime if she wants. She could even extend my time anytime she wants. She never has fooled with it at all as far as I know.

Does she know I’m locked up? She has to suspect. It’s the only time I wake up in the middle of the night several times. I’m up earlier. We’re using more toilet paper. I’m going to bed earlier. The other morning she did come in the bathroom while I was in the shower and might have checked me out. But she hasn’t said anything. I’m sure she’ll know at some point. But I don’t rely on her to react in any certain way.

I’ll write more about how it does help overcome certain obstacles and bridge certain gaps between us in the future. In the meantime, I am woefully behind in my reading!

Night 3 and counting

2006-09-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

09/23/2006

For the first time, my Wordpress site surpassed my blogger one in page views. Again, I don't get stats like returning visitors but there it was.

Night #3 (Nice of you to ask, Satan!) was a bit more rambunctious than the first two. I can feel the tension starting to ramp up. Going 3 days without getting off is nothing for me, anymore. Maybe 4-5 days is a more common interval for me nowadays. However, the cage brings that tension on a bit quicker by exacting a price for each and every erection. Normally a guy sleeps through those night time festivities until he has that massive woodie in the morning that he wakes up with. In my case, I was awakened several times in the night until the 5 a.m. express that keeps me awake longer. I'm getting better at getting back to sleep and things will settle down after a week or so. But in the tension department, I'm definitely in that sweet spot where desperation and frustration begins to increase my sensitivities to the sensual and erotic.

Having Satan holding my key ramps things up a bit more. And she occasionally posts about these hot hot hott encounters she has with her husband! Of course there's only so much she can do with just the lockword. She does have the power to release me or not, which is pretty significant. But there are many, many more features to this Timelock program which allows more complete control. Things like changing my display, hiding it, shortening my time or extending it. All of these can be done via encryption over the internet. All she needs to do is get registered.

Moving on, I'm thinking I might make Wordpress the home of most of the chastity cage oriented material while keeping things toned down a bit for the Blogspot audience. I'm just looking at who feeds into each, and the Wordpress readership is a faster growing and kinkier audience but not very chatty. Blogspot harbors a more talkative group that isn't into the kink as much.

I don't expect everyone to be into this. This is out there, on the fringe. It is a smallish subgroup even within the D/s crowd. Even though half a million devices are sold annually, many are bought by the same people who try out new things and are upgrading. I wouldn't mind upgrading to a Jones or Neosteel myself someday!

And yes, these are made for women, too. Oh yes! Even guys not into male chastity can appreciate the look of a woman wearing shiny steel underwear! Many women wear these as anti-rape devices as well as for kinky games. I would richly enjoy having a woman locked up! Arwyn would definitely not go for it! She might consider the anti-rape angle if she felt threatened enough, I suppose.

But that might give you an inkling of where my fantasies lie, for those that were wondering. I think it would be kind of hot if we were both locked up and perhaps let loose at different times and let out at the same time sometimes.

How Satan Became Satan

2006-09-22T20:52:00.000-04:00

I suppose it is only fitting that Satan was the lucky winner of the chastity keyholder poll. And let’s face it, would any of you want anyone else holding my keys?

I didn’t think so.

And it will sound extraordinarily strange hearing Mr. Evangelical saying this, but I couldn’t help but root for Satan, myself. What very few of you know, is that Satan the blogger and I have a fairly long and substantial history. In fact, I go further back with her than anyone else around blogland even before we had our respective blogs. And we both had a large impact on each other’s blogging form and style. So it really is only fitting. And wierd.
Plus it really does ramp up the tension considerably. You have no idea.

To understand our history, we should go back to the beginning. No, not the garden of Eden. iVillage, which I suppose could be close to it for some people. But our small corner of iVillage was NOT even close to paradise. In fact, it had to be one of the lowest rungs of hell as no one who was there was exactly happy. Everyone was miserable. If it wasn’t Hell, it was one of the most miserable places on earth. The board was called “Clashing Libidos.” Today, it is called “Mismatched Libidos” which I have no idea why it changed. My stint there began around 1999, I think. Ironically, I was introduced to iVillage by Arwyn who was a regular member of the parenting and mommy boards. I was a big poster to various newsgroups but began gravitating towards that particular message board more and more.

iVillage is mostly a women’s place, but there were quite a number of guys there, too. However, unlike usenet where it was almost exclusively men talking about not getting laid, on iVillage it was dominated by women.

Heh! ”Dominated!” hehehe

Where else could you find a place where there were a bunch of horny, frustrated women? Like a lot of men, I had a hard time wrapping my mind around guys who did not seem to want to have sex with their very willing, ready and able young wives.

In the earliest days, there were actually quite a lot of women there who were on the other side: they did not like sex and were wondering how they could get their drives back. I learned even more from the LL women than the HL women. They were intelligent and courageous as they ran the risk of being blasted by the HL hoard of both men and women.

Anyway, Satan was definitely in the HL category, if you haven’t guessed already. Back then, I was known as “Tomatoman” or just “T-man” for short. And it was while I was there that I began exploring the whole idea of chastity and the cage. Get it? Tomatoman + cage = tomato cage?!LOL!

Satan was not satan there, either. I’ll let her reveal her other identity as she wills. But my “Top Ten Signs of a LL Partner” debuted there several years before I had a blog, and it still occasionally draws a comment or two. Mostly along the lines of “Shit! I wish I had seen this BEFORE I got married!”

iVillage was cool, but there were some major drawbacks. I could not say “shit” or “fuck” if I wanted. I couldn’t even leave a link to altairboy’s site in some places without some over-zeadous community leader censoring me. I occasionally chided someone for being a doofus and would get letters from ivillage notifying me that I was violating their TOS and that I was in danger of being TOSed. The folks in Clashing Libidos were tolerant of my kinks but not many were really into it. I tried posting on other boards like the supposedly kink-friendly “Taboos” board but all they wanted to talk about was anal sex. The Cosmo board was overrun by 19 year-olds talking about exploring oral sex and various positions. Not that there is anything wrong with any of these! But I was feeling very stifled creatively.

It was the 2004 election, and Dan Rather was brought down by the effort of several astute bloggers and it made headlines. This put bloggers and blogging on the map like nothing else. I looked into it, and lo and behold, that was my answer. I could have my own place where I could post what I wanted and I could control it as I saw fit. And it was then that i started a little place known as Sensual Dementia. I posted my URL a time or 2 on iVillage, while i gradually built content. I think there might still be a few people around who wandered in from the iVillage Clashing Libidos board.

Satan was one of them. But she wasn’t Satan…yet. She started as Anonymous. My content was not a lot different than it is now. It was a mixture of daily drama and various thoughts about being in a relationship. This snarky, anonymous commenter showed up and was pretty relentless in insisting that I should leave or cheat or find someone else to meet my needs. The comments went on about how my wife didn’t love me, never would and that it was a hopeless situation.

Basically, I read these as the sort of comments one would make if they were trying to break up a family. And since she remained anonymous over several rounds of comments, I nicknamed her Satan. I even found a URL for the devil at the time. She ended up embracing the nickname, so the rest is history.

There is one additional part to it. She made some comment either in comments or in iVillage about me and my blog, and in it she said that while she liked my writing I could be a “condescending prick” at times. Rather than get offended, I thought about it and embraced the whole concept, which is why you see it in the title of my blogger blog title to this day. Thing is, at the time she made the comment, I didn’t know it was her that had made it. So in a sense, we each ended up directing and defining the title of the other’s blog!

To summerize: Satan became Satan because of a condescending prick. The condescending prick became what he is because of Satan. And now, Satan owns the balls of said condescending prick. There is some sort of weird symmetry here that I haven’t quite figured out.

Okay, we are ON!

2006-09-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

I was reading “A Blossoming” (pt.1) last night and decided that I might enjoy one last amusement park ride on the tilt-a-couch. Arwyn had conveniently done a fresh load of laundry so that meant a pile of clean socks. Um, yeah. That’s kind of a passive-aggressive thing. A better way might be simply asking for a handjob but at the present time it holds a bit less appeal.

I also set the Timelock for 3 weeks, 1 day, 12 hours and 45 minutes. The remote lockword was set using Commenter #2’s remote lockword encryption. Whoever you are, you are now a proud owner of a virtual key! I suppose if we don’t learn the identity of this person, I’ll have to make up a name, since Commenter #2 seems awkward and impersonal. And let’s face it, owning a guy’s cock (even virtually) merits something more personal than “Commenter#2″! One challenge is that I don’t know whether this person is a male or female! I guess “Keyholder” will suffice for the moment.

I suppose that is the charming suspense of the whole thing, isn’t it? Not knowing. So we have ourselves a bit of a mystery and a cliffhanger around here!

I have a couple of suspicions, but we’ll see.

I’ve also been wondering how Cagedone is faring. I’m guessing his wife has probably forgotten all about him.

This is a tragic but common situation amongst the enforced chastity crowd, especially guys with a non sexually driven partner. We can quickly become forgotten even while our capacity to forget diminishes! So we become more desperate for release, our spouses become more forgetful.

This is why so many of us guys find the idea of a sexually driven woman who becomes more and more horny over time such a foreign concept. It simply goes against most of our experiences! Can sexual desire be increased, changed, altered and improved in LL partners? There seem to a large number of people working on just this very thing!

As for me, I’m coming ’round to the idea that it is less about any partner I have than it is about me. I wish I had more time and opportunity to explore partner sexuality but that’s not my lot. I am now probing my own sexuality, by myself….with a bit of help from my invisible, internet friends!

Unspeakable Places

2006-09-19T18:02:00.000-04:00

I’m willing to put my tongue into unspeakable places on [him], no matter how sweaty or dirty he is. That’s how much I crave him.

As I read this I couldn’t help but think how cool it was that someone could be that into someone else. How it would be nice be craved just like that. But I can’t remember a time when that was true for me. I do know I’ve had instances where I’ve felt that way about someone else. I suppose I should be okay with that, since there are people that have never even been that far. To crave and be craved at the same time. How nice it would be to be the object of someone’s craven desires!

Actually the truth is, is that I want Arwyn to feel that way about me. To be willing to stick her toungue in unspeakable places on me no matter how dirty and sweaty I am. But I can’t even get a hug after mowing the lawn! And you can forget all about the tongue, because that pink fixture is never venturing beyond her teeth.

Hmmm. That last poll was a bit lackluster in the response. However, the tribe has spoken! I can see which way the winds are blowing and it’s pretty convincing. Commenter #2, whoever he/she is, is the clear winner. Perhaps the lucky keyholder will be kind enough to step out from behind the curtain at some point. We will begin the festivities momentarily. I just have a few maintenance tasks to do on the cage before it gets slipped back on for quite a long time.

Final Results:

Comment#2 with 7 votes, #3 (email) with 3 votes and poor #1 didn't get any votes! Thanks to all who participated!

So it’s time for some sort of update on things in the Jones household. Which means that there isn’t much to offer at all. This morning, both boys were off to school and Arwin and I had about 20 minutes to ourselves. We talked for a bit and I laid on the bed beside her and tried to hold her hand while we talked and then even tried to kiss/make-out for a bit. The whole business was just awkward and I did not persist or linger. Something always Aroused Girl said sort of stuck with me: how do you envision a future with someone with whom it is so hard to be alone? Is it harder to be alone with her than without her? On some levels, yes. But at the same time there are a host of pragmatic, practical things to consider. We are still very dependent upon each other for better or worse. Our fortunes are bound together and I don’t see how it can be any other way. Tearing that away is akin to tearing off a piece of my own flesh. I can not do it. It would claw away at my own soul to be doing that to her. I do not see the sort of separation AAG contemplates as an answer for me. I’m not condemning her decision, but every case is different. There is no easy path.

So mine remains one of self improvement and if Arwyn chooses to join me, she may. If she doesn’t join me that’s okay too. But I’m going to move on as best as I can with or without her. What else can a body do?

Poll Results plus a New Poll

2006-09-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

Just updated the Wordpress header; what do you think? Anyone guess where I stole borrowed the image?

Nothing new to report.

I am back to being up late at night playing computer games. I have been taking liberal advantage of my freedom and enjoying using my body as my own personal amusement park. Arwyn is in need of some new socks as hers are starting to show signs of wear.;-)

Okay, so the Timelock project is not exactly attracting droves of interested participants. In fact, I have 3 key codes right now, and I’m guessing 2 of those are wearers! I’m going to thank you who have submitted encrypted lockwords.

Thank you.

Having an underwhelming number actually makes things a lot less complicated in some ways. I think we can go ahead and make a decision.

Stand by for a new poll: You can vote for the encryption of your choice!

#1 left a comment here

#2 Left this comment right below #1

#3 actually submitted his entry by email, so it wasn’t exactly anonymously

So you can vote who you think would make the best keyholder. If any of these 3 would care to reveal themselves or campaign for the position, comment moderation will be turned OFF! So it’s back to “normal” as far as the comment feature goes.

Let’s play this by the same rules as last time: comment votes are worth double, and everyone can vote in the poll! So theoretically, a body could have 3 votes! That’s Democracy blogger style!LOL!

Thanks to all who participated in the Masturbation Poll. I didn’t have anything substantial to contribute to the engaging and wonderful posts by Emily, FTN, and the real jack-off expert, Horny Old Guy! The latter has about 60 or so years of experience and is a hardcore aficionado of this hobby.

The results of the poll were a bit interesting. With a scant 20 people voting, 50% said they masturbated primarily because they had an unwilling partner. This might say more about my readership than about anything else, but I expected a big number here.

I never specified what was meant by “unavailable partner.” This garnered 15% of the vote. It could be because of distance, physical disability or simply because there was no partner available at the time which describes most of my masturbation before the age of 30. It basically covers all availability issues outside of willingness. Because it was vague, I thought it might score a bit higher than it did.
Boredom was a surprise winner of 2 votes.

While this is a legitimate reason, I didn’t think it would be a primary one. Different strokes for different folks I suppose…

None of the above scored 2, but no one ever said what their primary reason would be. For instance, Horny Old Guy recently had a shot in masturbating in a film which I thought would be a cool reason that I didn’t have listed. Being coerced at gunpoint would also fit. I also didn’t include health reasons, for instance doctor’s advice or prescription. All sound reasons for jacking and jilling.

“I don’t Masturbate” had to be included because much discussion has been made around my small circle about the virtues of NOT masturbating. Any guys locked 24/7 longterm would automatically fall into this category as well as the nuns and priests who keep stumbling onto my blogs because of the “chastity” theme.

Relieving stress I thought was a good reason, because that’s what it does. One person said that was their primary reason. Perhaps the airlines would function better if they would give little masturbation breaks for their air controllers. Perhaps Howard Dean would be president now if he had jacked off before making that speech in Iowa. Perhaps Al Gore could have made another run in 04 if he stroked off a bit more. Certain televangelicals certainly could benefit from some self-loving before yelling and screaming at their congregants. And if Bill had just told the Kenneth Starr that he had jerked off in that little room and just wiped himself off on a certain blue dress, many would have been spared much humiliation and embarrassment.

Only one said “to go to sleep” which is a bit of a surprise considering how often I’ve read about blogsters using this as their main method of nodding off. I think it is as legitimate as any other reason as it represents an all-natural method with few side effects.

Thanks to all who participated!

Blogger is being an unholy shit which is why you will almost always see an update on Wordpress before you see it on Blogger. also, Arwyn has been taking up a lot of computer time which also delays things. I can use my machine at work to post to Wordpress, but not to blogger. SO, lock up will be delayed for a time just so a proper vote has a chance.

PSS: Okay, fixed the moderation thingy...comments should be back to "normal" (whatever that is!LOL!

Turning

2006-09-12T18:46:00.000-04:00

Okay, I’ll give readers a break from the chastity bit (since I’m taking one) and give to a real update. However, I’m also looking for you to continue to vote in the poll if you haven’t already, and submit your key for the chastity Timelock.

One of the difficulties of being so estranged and independent for awhile is if one or both members of a couple decide that maybe they don’t want to be estranged and as independent anymore. The challenge is trying to bridge a gap that has been left open for too long. It’s just not going to be overnight thing.

Okay, let’s get this out of the way – Unless you are Rabbi Shmuley, and going to come over with the wireless headsets and earplugs and do a live coaching thing, the whole therapy thing is a no-go. “Okay, give her a hug and say, ‘I love you.’”

“Okay, Arwyn, now put your arm around him, grab his butt and tell him he is sexy and you can’t wait to fuck him.”

Yeah, that might work. NOT.

I unlocked on Friday night and enjoyed that release, but haven’t really done anything since then in the way of self amusement. However, that’s not to say there hasn’t been some building heat. On Saturday morning as she was getting ready to out, talked for a bit while she was getting ready in the bathroom. This was just mundane talking about stuff. But I gave her a bit of a backrub while she was fiddling with make-up and we were talking. It was really the first bit of real physical intimacy we’d had in months. it was a few minutes and it was just nice. There was a turn taking place. We could both feel it. From then on, things just got more relaxed. I think there was a lot of hostility that was going on in our disengagement and this was starting to turn that down.

Arwyn is not going to be sexually aggressive. It’s just not who she is. she can be warm or she can be bitterly cold, but “hot” just isn’t in her as far as a passionate nature. There just seems to be a certain type of woman who is more or less reserved and is not going to be the aggressor. This does not mean she wants a boorish dominant for a husband.

In anycase, this was just sort of noteworthy. Last night, I kissed her goodnight before she laid down to go to sleep and before I headed to the computer. there was a part of me that wondered if it might be worth my while to hang around. but she informed me that she was very tired. I was okay with that. I had other options like blogging and playing computer games until I was tired enough to sleep. It’s what I’ve been doing for months with no resentment. I think I would resent it if she somehow insisted I went to bed at the same time as her and I had to lie awake beside her being all frustrated while she slept.

I would not mind warming things up between us a bit. Whether or not it evelves into anything sexual…well hope springs eternal. But I’m okay with there being less hostility (even of the passive sort) and just generally liking each other more. And maybe the sexual tension can build from there. Or not. I have no idea. Yeah, I talk about the sexual tension because that is a big part of what I feel. But this does not mean i don’t appreciate the nonsexual aspects of the relationship. Just the fact of having a conversation without the hostility that has been built in is worth noting.

So maybe I can look forward to the bolt cutters in the next couple of weeks!

Timelock keys accepted until lock-up around Sunday morning, unless something drastic happens.

BTW, I have an extraordinarily short 9/11 post on Unsolicited Advice. Anyone wanting to know the real story of all the stuff leading to the attacks and during and after, can read it for themselves and be more informed than the boobs on the 9/11 comission.

New Poll!

2006-09-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

This is to check the voting system as well as to give some folks something to participate in NOT necessarily related to kink. Go ahead and try the masturbation poll, and if your favorite answer is not there, leave a comment and let me know!

Comment moderation is on, mostly for the submission of lockwords. So don’t forget about that!